My Personal Non Political, Non Religious, Short and Sweet (unlike this title) Manifesto

I was having dinner and drinks with some old girlfriends (they aren't old, our relationship is old. Like about 20 years old.) the other night, and we were at one point bitching about our jobs. Then complaining about how hot this crazy asshole weather has been lately. And that somehow led us to talking about how much we really dislike the general public. Which then led to our dream spot to live. God we sound like some cranky old men, eh? Like you, I have no idea how these topics are all connected because I'd had a huge glass of wine, a huge glass of sangria, and then eventually the remaining two of us that stayed after dinner shared a big pitcher of sangria. It was actually less pitcher-like and more of a "caraffe." Like you'd get full of coffee..... at a church dinner. When you're 72 years old. 

See?  A caraffe. 

This may as well have been us with our caraffe of wine.

But it was a DAMN good caraffe of sangria.

Know what's weird?  When you say caraffe over and over a bajillion times, it starts to sound funny.

Here's a flow chart to help you stay clear and focused when it comes to deciphering the flow of events during our girls' night out:

It's a vicious, booze filled cycle.

And clearly I need a LIFE flow chart to help me stay on topic.

Anyway....

I announced that my perfect place to live would be a remote cabin up north, like in Canada even.

It was then that I was immediately compared to the Unibomber, told I should write a manifesto, and I had a complete lightbulb moment.

I SO NEED TO WRITE A MANIFESTO.

Like the motherfucking Unibomber. But less murderous and stabby and insane.

So ladies and gentlemen, here is my manifesto. I have to publish it now before I move to my remote cabin and likely have no Internet connection.

First off, what even IS a manifesto, you may wonder?
Well, I looked it up for you.  A manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature. Manifestos relating to religious belief are generally referred to as creeds. Manifestos may also be life stance-related. 

Hmm.  I definitely don't want to get all political, because basically our government is full of greedy, overpaid, selfish, pompous, narrow-minded assholes and going political may piss some people off.  And I don't want to go all religious, because I don't even go to church.  So I guess my manifesto will be life stance-related.  And manifestos are usually pretty lengthy documents.  I'm too lazy for that shit.  So, here's my manifesto.  My summed up life stance.

You've gotta fucking lighten up and laugh, people.
 
Short and sweet, eh?  Oh, and if a manifesto can have a PS, it'd be this:

Stop driving like assholes. Seriously.  Common sense you guys.

Now I've gotta run.  There's some property in Canada I'm going to have to go check out.