How I Single-handedly Cancelled the "Rapture." OR, At Least Guaranteed My Spot in Heaven to Avoid the Ensuing Chaos
Here's what I understand about the "Rapture," aka end of world.
Keep in mind I don't go to church much anymore, and I don't read the Bible, so my information comes strictly from the Left Behind series. And by series, I mean the ONE movie I watched of it because Kirk Cameron was in it and I used to love love love Growing Pains.
One day, out of the blue, millions of people will just disappear. Poof!
But only the good people. The "saved" people. Meaning good Christian people, right?
Ok, so they all disappear, poof, leaving behind chaos and confusion and LOADS of smelly underwear and socks because no one in heaven needs undergarments and it's barefoot 24/7. THAT I did read in the Bible once. It's all fields of grass and flowers and clouds so no shirt, no shoes, no problem.
Anyway, us sinners will be left behind to battle it out with Satan, or something like that. Pretty sure I couldn't win that battle with my powers of manipulation and flirting for free beers. But, since we did get Osama bin Laden, Satan has to be just a little intimidated by America.
What's the point here?
If this really does happen someday (or May 21 like some freak shows are claiming) I'm totally gonna be left behind. Fact.
So the Hubby and I were discussing this because:
a. it's scheduled to be on a Saturday, so hopefully we get to sleep in a bit first, maybe have a coffee or two.
b. our children will disappear because they're perfect and innocent and basically angels from heaven anyway (I thank God for them everyday.)
c. we'll be some PISSED OFF parents if we find our kids are suddenly gone. Jesus himself won't want to bump into me if my kids are taken from me.
d. probably not a good idea to threaten Jesus with my own wrath.
e. See? This girl is totally gonna be left behind.
Hubby thought he'd just hang on tightly to the Wee One while she was lifted up by angels to heaven and I could hold tight to Bossy Girl. You know, get a free ride. But I reminded him that people probably won't just suddenly be lifted up, they'll just evaporate because Kirk Cameron says so. Basically we'll be childless and scared and bitter and alone.
Great. We're already two out of those four things already.
After our talk, Wee One was trying to climb into my lap but she had a nasty load of shitty diaper so the Hubby took her to go change her diaper. A huge temper tantrum commenced as he tried to peel her off of her mommy. I mean, huge temper tantrum. (gotta love almost 2 year olds).
I immediately looked up at the kitchen ceiling and said, "See that Jesus? See what happens when you take her from her mommy? You'll be listening to that for all eternity."
I'm hoping He got the point. And if He did, the Rapture has been postponed indefinitely. Or like I said, I'll be taken up too, so all's good from my standpoint.
This post needs pictures. I Googled rapture and got this:
Oops. Guess Jesus was busy that day. His alarm clock didn't go off or something. Rain check please!
Then I wanted to get a preview of how it'll end so I Googled "how will the world end?"
What I found was shocking.
The world will be crushed by a giant, fiery vagina. All the Monistat 7 in the world won't be able to help us.
Really though? A vagina? That's just weird, Jesus.
Keep in mind I don't go to church much anymore, and I don't read the Bible, so my information comes strictly from the Left Behind series. And by series, I mean the ONE movie I watched of it because Kirk Cameron was in it and I used to love love love Growing Pains.
One day, out of the blue, millions of people will just disappear. Poof!
But only the good people. The "saved" people. Meaning good Christian people, right?
Ok, so they all disappear, poof, leaving behind chaos and confusion and LOADS of smelly underwear and socks because no one in heaven needs undergarments and it's barefoot 24/7. THAT I did read in the Bible once. It's all fields of grass and flowers and clouds so no shirt, no shoes, no problem.
Anyway, us sinners will be left behind to battle it out with Satan, or something like that. Pretty sure I couldn't win that battle with my powers of manipulation and flirting for free beers. But, since we did get Osama bin Laden, Satan has to be just a little intimidated by America.
What's the point here?
If this really does happen someday (or May 21 like some freak shows are claiming) I'm totally gonna be left behind. Fact.
So the Hubby and I were discussing this because:
a. it's scheduled to be on a Saturday, so hopefully we get to sleep in a bit first, maybe have a coffee or two.
b. our children will disappear because they're perfect and innocent and basically angels from heaven anyway (I thank God for them everyday.)
c. we'll be some PISSED OFF parents if we find our kids are suddenly gone. Jesus himself won't want to bump into me if my kids are taken from me.
d. probably not a good idea to threaten Jesus with my own wrath.
e. See? This girl is totally gonna be left behind.
Hubby thought he'd just hang on tightly to the Wee One while she was lifted up by angels to heaven and I could hold tight to Bossy Girl. You know, get a free ride. But I reminded him that people probably won't just suddenly be lifted up, they'll just evaporate because Kirk Cameron says so. Basically we'll be childless and scared and bitter and alone.
Great. We're already two out of those four things already.
After our talk, Wee One was trying to climb into my lap but she had a nasty load of shitty diaper so the Hubby took her to go change her diaper. A huge temper tantrum commenced as he tried to peel her off of her mommy. I mean, huge temper tantrum. (gotta love almost 2 year olds).
I immediately looked up at the kitchen ceiling and said, "See that Jesus? See what happens when you take her from her mommy? You'll be listening to that for all eternity."
I'm hoping He got the point. And if He did, the Rapture has been postponed indefinitely. Or like I said, I'll be taken up too, so all's good from my standpoint.
This post needs pictures. I Googled rapture and got this:
Oops. Guess Jesus was busy that day. His alarm clock didn't go off or something. Rain check please!
Then I wanted to get a preview of how it'll end so I Googled "how will the world end?"
What I found was shocking.
The world will be crushed by a giant, fiery vagina. All the Monistat 7 in the world won't be able to help us.
Really though? A vagina? That's just weird, Jesus.
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