I Sure Hope I Get the Last Laugh On This One.

So for weeks I've been making fun of this May 21 Rapture stuff but like all true hypochondriacs, when I make myself obsess over something long enough, I eventually become convinced it just may be real.
Remind me to tell you about the time I had a brain tumor and a deep vein thrombosis AND Parkinson's all at the exact same time.  FML.

Anyway, I've been laughing at all these people who are convinced the world is ending this weekend and I even facetiously posted about how I'll be left behind (to go through people's stuff.  I've always wanted to do that.) and then Earth will be crushed by a giant, flaming vagina.
But now my inner doubt is starting to make me wonder if it couldn't be true and  

oh holy hell I really AM going to be left behind to suffer!   

 I'm kinda scared after all! 

I've decided that it's better to be safe than sorry and I've promised Jesus I'll behave and not say the f word anymore and I'll stop telling people to suck it and I'll also stop the thousands of other sins I can't even keep track of, many of which relate to making fun of and judging others *ahem, extreme couponers*, as well as personal physical pleasure (That will stop Friday by midnight at the latest). This is, of course, in exchange for my and my family's safety on Saturday. I will become a better person from here on out I swear and my fingers aren't even crossed.  I think that my pleas may have touched Jesus's heart because if there's one thing Jesus appreciates it's gotta be false promises and ultimatums based on selfish reasons, with some bribery and manipulation mixed on.  

By the way, my inner doubt lives in my tummy and looks like this: