I Embarrassed Myself in Ways that Surprised Even Me.
My sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party was this weekend. I'm still too hungover to write a coherent, organized post, so I'm gonna list the ways I embarrassed myself, an entire town, and Jesus all in one evening.
Here's the formula for how it all started.
Too many shots + too many beers + too many fruity drinks + 5 martinis + not much food all day + not much sleep = me acting like an asshole in public.
1. I put money between my teeth and gave it to some random woman writhing on a piano at the piano bar. She took the money with her teeth. There was saliva exchange, and now I think I'm gonna get herpes.
2. I told both pianists doing the dueling piano act that I'm in love with them and they are my soulmates.
3. I repeatedly smelled some guy on the street because his shirt smelled like dryer sheets and clean laundry.
4. I told good-smelling guy he's my soulmate.
5. I apologized repeatedly for my behavior.... to every friggin person I ran into or walked by.
6. There's a picture of me bending over in front of some 8 foot tall dude outside a bar. Dude was smiling BIG.
7. Somehow I have some random dude's debut musical CD that he was passing out on the street. Cuz isn't that how Usher made it?
8. I told random musician on street that he's pretty and felt his pecs and told him he's my soulmate.
9. I grabbed another poor random guy's shirt with my teeth and followed him around going "GRRR."
10. It was decided about four times that another girl in the bridal party and out with us is my soul mate and will have my baby.
11. I kissed a girl and I liked it. There may or may not have been cherry chapstick.
12. There may be about 20 surprise guests that no one knows at my sister's wedding because I started inviting people who looked fun.
13. You know how once you pee when you've been out drinking, you have to pee over and over again? They used to call it "breaking the seal" in my younger, college days. Well, I broke it, and announced to everyone in the bathroom THREE different times, while peeing, that it was the most satisfying pee of my life.
14. I told about a dozen women that I LOVED their shoes/pants/top/jewelry.
15. I ran into a girl wearing the same shirt I was and we chest-bumped and declared each other soulmates.
16. My new dance "move" is swatting my crotch area in a "jerking off" motion. Plus I rocked the running man and the cabbage patch a tad too much.
17. There were a couple of other bachelorette groups out last night too, and we stole a penis straw from someone and shared it to drink our beers. Should I add syphilis to the herpes?
18. I overused the f word, called everyone my bitches, and ended up dancing on the stage at the piano bar.
I'd add more but I just reread this post and I'm feeling like a total asshole right now. So I'm gonna call it good and stop while I have a shred of dignity left. Also? I think there's more that I'm blocking out of my memory out of pure shame.
I'm sorry for my behavior last night, readers. You all are my soulmates and I love you. Please forgive me. You too Jesus, if you're reading this. And Mom. And pretty much everyone who ran into me last night. Oh, and the cab drivers too. And the pizza delivery guy.
Here's the formula for how it all started.
Too many shots + too many beers + too many fruity drinks + 5 martinis + not much food all day + not much sleep = me acting like an asshole in public.
1. I put money between my teeth and gave it to some random woman writhing on a piano at the piano bar. She took the money with her teeth. There was saliva exchange, and now I think I'm gonna get herpes.
2. I told both pianists doing the dueling piano act that I'm in love with them and they are my soulmates.
3. I repeatedly smelled some guy on the street because his shirt smelled like dryer sheets and clean laundry.
4. I told good-smelling guy he's my soulmate.
5. I apologized repeatedly for my behavior.... to every friggin person I ran into or walked by.
6. There's a picture of me bending over in front of some 8 foot tall dude outside a bar. Dude was smiling BIG.
7. Somehow I have some random dude's debut musical CD that he was passing out on the street. Cuz isn't that how Usher made it?
8. I told random musician on street that he's pretty and felt his pecs and told him he's my soulmate.
9. I grabbed another poor random guy's shirt with my teeth and followed him around going "GRRR."
10. It was decided about four times that another girl in the bridal party and out with us is my soul mate and will have my baby.
11. I kissed a girl and I liked it. There may or may not have been cherry chapstick.
12. There may be about 20 surprise guests that no one knows at my sister's wedding because I started inviting people who looked fun.
13. You know how once you pee when you've been out drinking, you have to pee over and over again? They used to call it "breaking the seal" in my younger, college days. Well, I broke it, and announced to everyone in the bathroom THREE different times, while peeing, that it was the most satisfying pee of my life.
14. I told about a dozen women that I LOVED their shoes/pants/top/jewelry.
15. I ran into a girl wearing the same shirt I was and we chest-bumped and declared each other soulmates.
16. My new dance "move" is swatting my crotch area in a "jerking off" motion. Plus I rocked the running man and the cabbage patch a tad too much.
17. There were a couple of other bachelorette groups out last night too, and we stole a penis straw from someone and shared it to drink our beers. Should I add syphilis to the herpes?
18. I overused the f word, called everyone my bitches, and ended up dancing on the stage at the piano bar.
I'd add more but I just reread this post and I'm feeling like a total asshole right now. So I'm gonna call it good and stop while I have a shred of dignity left. Also? I think there's more that I'm blocking out of my memory out of pure shame.
I'm sorry for my behavior last night, readers. You all are my soulmates and I love you. Please forgive me. You too Jesus, if you're reading this. And Mom. And pretty much everyone who ran into me last night. Oh, and the cab drivers too. And the pizza delivery guy.
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