This One's Not Funny But I Need to Write It. Deal With It.

I started taking the little pill about 6 years ago.  I wasn't "handling" my diagnosis well.  (MS.  Fuck you doctor.  Let's see how you handle a diagnosis like multiple sclerosis when you're 28 years old and have a 2 year old at home.)

The pill was supposed to get me through.  The diagnosis caused depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  The illness can cause depression.  The injections to treat the depressing fucking illness cause depression.  Basically, I was going to be depressed as fuck, so take the magic pill to get through.  To get out of bed.  To live without thoughts of dying.

The antidepressant was prescribed and taken.  No one discussed side effects.  NOT ONE MENTION.  It was like an emergency prescription, and I took it, no questions asked.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years.  I was doing GREAT.  What MS?  No symptoms, clean MRIs.  Let's have another baby.  Wean off the meds.


They are fucking brutal.  Even with a slow wean, I had 9 days of horrid withdrawal symptoms.  So bad I begged to go back on.  But I did it.  And Wee One was the magical result.

Fast forward a year.  6 weeks post partum.  An MS relapse.  Mild, but depressing.  I'm tossed back on my meds again.  NO ONE DISCUSSED SIDE EFFECTS YET AGAIN.

Over the past couple of years I noticed that I became a raging bitch.  I was irritable ALL. THE. TIME.  On edge.  My temper was on the shortest fuse ever. I for sure had some serious anger issues, and I simply blamed it on being dissatisfied in life, stress, maybe an early "midlife crisis."  Maybe it was changes in my brain from my illness.  I figured everyone would just have to learn to life on egg shells around me and my hostility.

This summer, after our fabulous Cheesy Chicago weekend, I felt inspired by my Marianna to start weaning off my meds in an attempt to live my life without the help of antidepressants.  I wanted to give it a shot with just me.  I can always go back on if I need to.  I started 2012 on 20 mg of my med, and am now on 5 mg.  I've gone slow enough that I'm so far not experiencing the nasty side effects of withdrawal.

What I have noticed is weird.

I feel good.  Calm.  Strangely peaceful and level-headed..... not crazy irritable and aggressively angry.

I decided to really, REALLY read those inserts they give you with your prescription.  The one with all the potential side effects.

You can probably guess what I'm going to say I discovered..........

Rare, serious side effects of the antidepressant I'm on?  Irritability, quick to anger, hostility, aggression.  "Contact your doctor immediately if you notice these mood changes."

Oh, I noticed them already.  As did everyone around me.  I just never suspected that the pill I was taking to keep me out of bed, and involved in life was making me a raging bitch in the process.

I'm going to continue my weaning process and hopefully go off for good soon.  If not, I know that 5 mg is a good, small dose.  I'm not crazy angry, and I'm not crazy depressed.  I feel AMAZING right now.

So, patient beware.  Beware of the things they don't tell you about your meds.  I'm all about doing what you need to do to get through something.  I take prescription medications.  I'm not a hippie/homeopath.  Do what you've gotta do smartly and safely.  BUT...Make sure you know EVERYTHING about your prescriptions.  You are your only advocate.

It feels so good to feel good you guys.  Fucking GOOD.

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