How to Kill an Insect in 17 Easy Steps

After my run in with a HUGE sonofabitchen spider this morning, I thought I'd share with you all some tips I have on how to properly and efficiently kill a spider.  Or any mothereffing insect with tons of little squirmy icky legs.  (Have I ever told you guys how much I HATE little bugs with lots of legs?  They terrify me to no end.)
So, here it is.  My steps for killing a bug/insect/spider/creepy crawly/silverfish/"EWWW what is that disgusting thing?!"

*disclosure*  there in nothing humane in any of the following steps.  Shut up PETA.

1.  SCREAM like a little girl.
2.  Go "EW, EW, EW" repeatedly.
3.  Yell for the spouse.
4.  When spouse doesn't respond, run to the bathroom and grab the Lysol/hairspray/air freshner.  Anything aerosol and poisonous should do the trick.  I prefer hairspray as it's sticky and immobilizes said insect.
5. Spray bug GENEROUSLY.  If it becomes paralyzed and drops to the ground or completely sticks to the wall, that's the perfect amount.
6.  Run screaming back to the bathroom for a Kleenex or toilet paper.  Empty half the box/half the roll because ohmygod I'm not touching that thing AT. All. 
7.  Return to frozen bug and pick up with Kleenex/toilet paper.  Scream "EW, EW, EWWWW!" a few more times.
8.  Shudder.
9.  Run back to bathroom yelling at deadbeat spouse for not coming to your aid.  Do I have to do everything in this goddamn house?  Keep the spider body a full arm's length away from you.  You never know what it may do or when it may strike.  Be prepared.
10.  Toss paper wad with bug body in toilet. 
11.  Watch to see if  he starts moving again.
12.  If it's moving, hurl insults at it to die already! 
13.  If it's still frozen from hairspray, mock it anyway.  "Adios, asshole bug.  Enjoy your watery ride to your watery grave."
14.  Flush toilet and smile contentedly as bugs swirls away to sewerland.
15.  Flush again just to be sure it's gone.
16.  Flush again because of your extreme paranoia that the bug will somehow survive, climb back out, and attack your butt when you're on the toilet.
17.  Scream, "EW, EW, EWWWW," shudder, slam lid shut, run out of room to yell at spouse, then freak out all day as you feel creepy crawlies all over your body.  This is called PTBD, or Post Traumatic Bug Disorder.  It will go away eventually.  Until the next run in with an insect.


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