How Early Morning Texts Led to a Genius Book Idea. AKA, Don't Ever Give Me Your Cell Phone Number.
Texting conversation between the amazing Marianna at Snappy Surprise and I starting at 5:30 this morning:
Me: Good morning! I refuse to get ready for work. I'm going to barricade myself in the bathroom. I'll hide here all day. There's plenty of water....I have my phone....My Bloggess Book (order here. It's fucking worth it you guys. HILARIOUS.) But no snacks. Shit. Unless Xanax can be considered a snack??
Me again: Toothpaste isn't lethal in large doses, is it? MINTY!
Marianna: Why are you even awake right now?! I like your thinking. I refuse to get ready for work every day. In fact, I usually refuse to leave bed at all. You're hilarious. Minty!
Me: A. I hope I didn't wake you up. B. I'm always up at 5:15 on work days. C. Did you know sugar scrubs taste like ass? Trust me. Don't stick your tongue in a sugar scrub for the body. You're welcome.
Me again: Oooo...look at me! I lead you to believe I'm like a delicious tropical island cocktail! LIES.
Marianna: You did not wake me up. But even if you did I would love it. Because you make me laugh. (I may or may not have paid her to say such nice things.) 5:15 is the devil. I have a natural salt scrub. Would that be better? Also, you could eat cotton balls. Like Elf.
Me: I'd totally try the salt scrub. Can't hurt. I don't think......
COTTON BALLS! Yes!
Then she sent me a picture of her cat.
Me: So cute!
Me again: I'm still in my bathroom. I decided I have to leave quick for a few things. Namely snacks, more towels for my fort, the iPad, and the big screen tv. NECESSITIES.
Marianna: And the cats for company. Grab a laundry hamper so you can get everything in one trip. An urgent mission.
Me: OHMYGAWD you're a genius! All this bathrooms needs is YOU and four charming cats.
Marianna: I'm still in my bed. Only, Hubby's having an asshole morning too and is here with me.
Me: OH! Maybe I should leave you two lovebirds alone eh?? Wink, wink...
Marianna: EW. No. Maybe we could read to each other, make friendship bracelets, and braid each other's hair.
Me: Hubby's all, I need to use the bathroom and I'm all, there are two more in this house so BE GONE unholy demon! and he's all, What? And I'm all, you're SO offensive. This isn't EVEN CALLED a bathroom right now, it's a goddamn FORT so pee outside for all I care and he goes, Are you high, woman? YES. ON TOOTHPASTE AND SUGAR SCRUB APPARENTLY.
Ugh. Marriage.
Me again: I love friendship bracelets, btw! Excellent bathroom fort idea.
Marianna: This is why we have separate forts. His fort is disgusting and mind is super fun. No hubbies allowed. Only cats and Steffies. (me. I'm "Steffie." Only Marianna can call me that though so shut up already.) I'll bring embroidery thread. I have a whole kit from when I was 10.
Me: You're my soulmate.
Marianna: Hubby: I just peanut buttered and jammed my bagel without toasting it. Bummer.
Me: Men! There's an order to things, HELLO?
Marianna: At least he has a snack that isn't originally intended to be a bathroom product. Although, a bagel would be a good body scrubber.
Me: If TOASTED first. And I think you meant "fort products." What is this "bathroom" nonsense?
Marianna: We're not supposed to have a toaster in our bathroom fort though. Seems like a health risk. We could use a curling iron to toast it.
Me: True dat. Excellent point regarding fort safety. My flat iron could toast bagels *and* make grilled cheese sandwiches! We're practically survivalists!
Marianna: We should write a fort survival kit book. For when the zombies come. Or for whenever we feel like it.
Me: YES! "Bathroom Forts: A Practically Impractical Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. Or Just Mornings in General."
(PS. This title has now been copyrighted, patented, and trademarked, so step the fuck off, you plagairizing asshats out there.)
*******
So basically there is a wealth of knowledge that can be gained from us and our texting exchanges:
Husbands don't appreciate the value of bathroom forts.
Best bloggy friends make life worth living.
Bathroom forts are the perfect place for apocalypse survival, and bonding with your cats.
Me: Good morning! I refuse to get ready for work. I'm going to barricade myself in the bathroom. I'll hide here all day. There's plenty of water....I have my phone....My Bloggess Book (order here. It's fucking worth it you guys. HILARIOUS.) But no snacks. Shit. Unless Xanax can be considered a snack??
Me again: Toothpaste isn't lethal in large doses, is it? MINTY!
Marianna: Why are you even awake right now?! I like your thinking. I refuse to get ready for work every day. In fact, I usually refuse to leave bed at all. You're hilarious. Minty!
Me: A. I hope I didn't wake you up. B. I'm always up at 5:15 on work days. C. Did you know sugar scrubs taste like ass? Trust me. Don't stick your tongue in a sugar scrub for the body. You're welcome.
Me again: Oooo...look at me! I lead you to believe I'm like a delicious tropical island cocktail! LIES.Marianna: You did not wake me up. But even if you did I would love it. Because you make me laugh. (I may or may not have paid her to say such nice things.) 5:15 is the devil. I have a natural salt scrub. Would that be better? Also, you could eat cotton balls. Like Elf.
Me: I'd totally try the salt scrub. Can't hurt. I don't think......
COTTON BALLS! Yes!
Then she sent me a picture of her cat.
Me: So cute!
Me again: I'm still in my bathroom. I decided I have to leave quick for a few things. Namely snacks, more towels for my fort, the iPad, and the big screen tv. NECESSITIES.
Marianna: And the cats for company. Grab a laundry hamper so you can get everything in one trip. An urgent mission.
Me: OHMYGAWD you're a genius! All this bathrooms needs is YOU and four charming cats.
Marianna: I'm still in my bed. Only, Hubby's having an asshole morning too and is here with me.
Me: OH! Maybe I should leave you two lovebirds alone eh?? Wink, wink...
Marianna: EW. No. Maybe we could read to each other, make friendship bracelets, and braid each other's hair.
Me: Hubby's all, I need to use the bathroom and I'm all, there are two more in this house so BE GONE unholy demon! and he's all, What? And I'm all, you're SO offensive. This isn't EVEN CALLED a bathroom right now, it's a goddamn FORT so pee outside for all I care and he goes, Are you high, woman? YES. ON TOOTHPASTE AND SUGAR SCRUB APPARENTLY.
Ugh. Marriage.
Me again: I love friendship bracelets, btw! Excellent bathroom fort idea.
Marianna: This is why we have separate forts. His fort is disgusting and mind is super fun. No hubbies allowed. Only cats and Steffies. (me. I'm "Steffie." Only Marianna can call me that though so shut up already.) I'll bring embroidery thread. I have a whole kit from when I was 10.
Me: You're my soulmate.
Marianna: Hubby: I just peanut buttered and jammed my bagel without toasting it. Bummer.
Me: Men! There's an order to things, HELLO?
Marianna: At least he has a snack that isn't originally intended to be a bathroom product. Although, a bagel would be a good body scrubber.
Me: If TOASTED first. And I think you meant "fort products." What is this "bathroom" nonsense?
Marianna: We're not supposed to have a toaster in our bathroom fort though. Seems like a health risk. We could use a curling iron to toast it.
Me: True dat. Excellent point regarding fort safety. My flat iron could toast bagels *and* make grilled cheese sandwiches! We're practically survivalists!
Marianna: We should write a fort survival kit book. For when the zombies come. Or for whenever we feel like it.
Me: YES! "Bathroom Forts: A Practically Impractical Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. Or Just Mornings in General."
(PS. This title has now been copyrighted, patented, and trademarked, so step the fuck off, you plagairizing asshats out there.)
*******
So basically there is a wealth of knowledge that can be gained from us and our texting exchanges:
Husbands don't appreciate the value of bathroom forts.
Best bloggy friends make life worth living.
Bathroom forts are the perfect place for apocalypse survival, and bonding with your cats.
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