Once Again I'm Reminded of Why I Absolutely HATE Working Out. It's too Bad it's Kind of a "Necessary Evil."

I started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred today, and I already hate it.  It kicked my lard ass and Jillian says "buddy" way too much but I want to have her body (not in a sexual way) so I'm going to do this hellacious workout for 20 minutes every day.  Even Sunday, although I'm supposed to have a day of rest because God says so.  I'm pretty sure God wouldn't want to cross Jillian cuz she'll totally cut a bitch if you keep her from kicking someone's ass in a sweaty, painful workout.
I almost died while doing the DVD this morning, which got me thinking about death.  Again.

I have this theory that if there is an afterlife, it's totally what we make of it because in general, people are selfish assholes and creatures of comfort so what we enjoy in real life is probably what we'll need to have to enjoy the afterlife.

Therefore, logically, I have put in a request for my afterlife to be exactly like this:
When I die, I want my afterlife to contain a 24 hour all-you-can-eat buffet with bacon cheeseburgers and lasagna and a million other different kinds of pasta and breads and chips and salty french fries and steaks with loaded mashed potatoes (SHUT UP JILLIAN MICHAELS) and huge pots of thick chicken noodle soup and chili plus baskets of chips and salsa and queso dip next to platters and platters heaping full of fried mozzerella sticks and fried pickles alongside fried chicken and rare roast beef sandwiches.  I could go on and on but honestly, I'm salivating like a friggin dog right now.  The kicker is, in my Afterlife Buffet, you have to eat to stay skinny.  If you stop gorging yourself with food for too long, you'll gain weight.  How fucking awesome would that be you guys?  Exactly.

So when I'm nice and full and fantastically skinny with flat abs thanks to that third plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and a ham steak with a side of pancakes, I'd then get to go lay on a huge fluffy bed full of pillows and drink lemon drop martinis in my snuggie while watching reruns of classic tv shows like the Golden Girls, Roseanne, Alf, The Cosby Show, Cheers, and Mama's Family.  Because who didn't love Thelma Harper and her dopey son Vinton and slutty daughter-in-law Naomi?  Plus it had Betty White so bonus.  Right when I'm falling asleep in my comfy afterlife bed, David Beckham will show up with a bottle of wine and some cherry Twizzlers and the real fun will begin.

Of course my loved ones and friends will all be there in this afterlife too......

The moral of the story is, I hate working out but I'll do it because it'll likely kill me, sending me directly into my  afterlife full of pigging out and licking chocolate off of David Beckham.

Trainer from Hell

Mama.  She'll make you a sammich.

MMMMmmmm... welcome to heaven

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I'm Way Too Lubed Up to Blog Coherently Right Now

I figured if I put lube in a title I'd get more reads.  I'm actually only moisturized.  But I have been lubed up before.  And this girl ain't complaining about the lube action.

Anywho....
I've been chosen to be a Tree Hut "Brand Ambassador" and the deal is they send me new products not on the market yet and I try them for a while then I fill out surveys and send them info back and oh sweet Jesus the stuff they just sent me is so freaking good I can't even stand myself.

It smells awesome and I find myself trying to lick my own arms and I never want to leave my bathroom because I'm taking 30 minute showers to keep smelling the Coconut Lime body wash so my water bill is gonna be HUGE, PLUS, they sent me a new organic olive oil and shea Vanilla Spice lotion that I keep schmearing all over.  Yes, schmearing *is* a word and I carry the lotion with me and schmear all goddamn day long. If you get too close to me?  I may schmear you too.  I think other people want to lick me now too since I smell so yummy.  My life is rough, walking around all smelling good and lickable......

I let my sisters and my sister from another mister Michelle try some lotion too (we were in a parking lot at night but that's irrelevant to my story) and they loved it as well. We were all schmeared with loveliness in a public parking lot.

I buy all my Tree Hut stuff through Amazon because hey, free shipping.  And everything comes in packs of 2 or 3 so you can buy in bulk and stock your shelves.  Which is always good preparation for the zombie apocalypse.

Some bloggers do a lot of product pitching and sponsorship but I'm not one of them because a. I get no PR offers and b. I'm lame so I'm going to plug the hell out of Tree Hut because they are awesome and organic and my skin has never felt nor looked better. Plus, they Tweet on the Twitter and don't seem to mind my inappropriate language, rambling run-ons, and twisted sense of humor.  That doesn't mean they endorse my language and inappropriateness.  There's probably legal stuff involved somewhere and they probably wouldn't want me spouting the F word in any post I discuss their products in.  I really have no idea how this works.  Like, will I get sued if I say, these products are motherfucking genius?  OR, I love them like a fat kid loves a Snickers bar?  Shit.  Now I've probably offended Tree Hut, Snickers, and fat kids.

Tree Hut probably just wanted some nice girl to complete the surveys in a timely manner and then shut the hell up but they got me.  It's kind of their fault, really.  They didn't even ask me to blog about their stuff, by the way.  But I've a giver.  Which means I like to talk too much.  And also? Saying I'm a Tree Hut Brand Ambassador makes me feel important.  I'm putting "Brand Ambassador" on my resume now.  It sounds important.  Kind of like I'm a Duchess or a member of the U.N. or something.

A smell-good, well-moisturized, Peace Keeping Ambassador.

This blog post was not sponsored by, paid for, approved by, nor endorsed by Tree Hut.  I've probably embarrassed the hell out of them just by doing this.  Welcome to the club though, Tree Hut.  I embarrass my loved ones daily.

This blog post was also not sponsored by David Beckham.  Even though he's hot and I love him and want to schmear him with the lotions.

Amazon.com SHOULD sponsor my life because I shop from them multiple times per week.

This blog post can be sponsored by vodka and Xanax, so call me guys, okay?

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REALLY, Birds?

Reason #342 of why I hate nature:

Grabbing my car door handle and finding it, and therefore my hand, covered in bird shit.

OH, it's on birds.
It. Is. ON.

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Blogger Challenge Catch Up. Days 3 and 4 Combined Even Though I Should be on Like Day 8

I suck.
There is not hiding it or denying it.
I'm lame.
I've been failing the 100 day blogger challenge left and right.
But, in my defense I have TWO blogs to run, and I'm in charge this week over at the amazing Cheesy Bloggers so go there to see our new writing prompt and spreadable cheese.  It's a GREAT place to be, so join us!

So, days 3 and 4 of the blogger challenge are:

Day 03- A picture of something you cannot live without. 
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have. 


For the photo, I'm going to keep this blog relatively clean and appropriate and NOT post a picture of something I really, really can't live without (batteries included) so instead I'll post this:

 It's quite clear.  I cannot live without coffee every morning.  And I simply cannot fathom living without my family.













Next, a habit that I wish I didn't have.  Well, I have quite a few, but I'd say I wish I didn't have such an addictive personality.  I never do anything partially, I jump in fully and completely and obsessively.  Whether it's food, shopping, blogging, Pinterest, swearing, seeking revenge, flirting, finishing a bottle of wine.... I go overboard.  I love things big and hard (that's what he said) and completely.  Conversely, I hate things big and hard and completely. Makes you wanna be my friend, right?  I'm definitely a go big or go home kind of girl.  


The next topics are:
Day 05- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack. 
Day 06- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to. 
Day 07- A hobby you have. 
Day 08- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you. 
Day 09- Short term goals for this month and why. 
Day 10- Something/someone you’re proud of. 
Day 11- A story about a past relationship. 
Day 12- A picture of something you dislike. 
Day 13- Share a secret. 
Day 14- Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them. 
Day 15- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions. 
Day 16- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play. 
Day 17- Something you could live without. 
Day 18- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why. 
Day 19- Plans/dreams/goals you have. 
Day 20- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them. 
Day 21- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be. 
Day 22- Share a picture from your day. 
Day 23- What makes you different from everyone else. 
Day 24- What is something you crave. 
Day 25- What I would find in your bag. 
Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die. 
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge? 
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? 
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned. 
Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.

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Day 2 of the Blogger Challenge. You Need a Psychiatric Evaluation for Reading this Stuff.

Day 2 of the 100 Day Blogger Challenge is to discuss the meaning of this blog.
This one won't take long.

There is no real or profound meaning behind my blog.  I literally one day thought to myself, "hey, I can do that blogging thing."  So I took what I'm good at, spouting bullshit, useless knowledge, and dry, sarcastic humor, and started writing about it.  Because anyone can publish their writing these days.  ANYONE.  For free.  My GAWD there's a lot of crap rampant on the Internets, and you being here is evidence A.

On the serious side, I've found that writing this blog has given me a great outlet for all the "wacky" running around in my brain on a daily basis.  It's also nice because everyone in my real life tunes me out when I go off on a story, but here, well, many of you read and listen and comment back.  It's crazy to me that I started this place 10 months ago and I have 134 followers and about 8,000 people read my stuff last month.  You people need a psychiatric evaluation.

Speaking of psychiatric evaluations, you don't even have to go to a "doctor" for those these days.  I've self diagnosed my ADD, my ODD, my PDD, my OCD, my lupus, my RA, my PPD, and my telepathy/psychic ID/ESP, plus calculated my "real age," my BMI, my financial health, my likelihood of surviving the zombie apocalypse, and my vitamin and mineral deficiencies, AND determined my porn name, my pirate name, my hippie name, my mafia name, and my superhero name all thanks to the wonders of the Internets.

Thank you, modern technology.

PS, you should now refer to me as any of the following aliases, according to the above name generators:

The Fearless Freak
Carla da Spaz
Mast Hugger Jean
or
LL Vanilla Mack Z




More blogger challenge stuff to come!  Day three should be a DOOZY.  Prepare yourselves.

Day 03- A picture of something you cannot live without.
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 05- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.
Day 06- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 07- A hobby you have.
Day 08- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 09- Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 10- Something/someone you’re proud of.
Day 11- A story about a past relationship.
Day 12- A picture of something you dislike.
Day 13- Share a secret.
Day 14- Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.
Day 15- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.
Day 16- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.
Day 17- Something you could live without.
Day 18- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 19- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 20- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.
Day 21- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be.
Day 22- Share a picture from your day.
Day 23- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 24- What is something you crave.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.

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100 Day Blog Challenge. Which Like Everything Else I Do, I'll Start, Then Never Finish.

One of my cheesy BFFs (blogger fabulous friends) Marianna, over at Snappy Surprise, has started the 100 Day Blogger Challenge.  I'm a follower.  I'm doing it too.  Until I give up or get bored with it or just plain forget about it.


Here's how the challenge shakes out:
Day 01- Introduction, a recent photo, and 15 interesting facts about yourself


The rest of the steps are at the end of this post.


Hi.  I'm Miss Sarcasm, aka Sarcasm in Action, aka Steph.
I'm not showing a picture of myself since I blog anonymously.
How's this?

15 things about myself?  I'm not sure there are 15 things I HAVEN'T shared about myself.

1.  I often joke about my hypochondria, but I do in fact, have hypochondria, and joking about it helps lighten the seriousness of it.  I have a lot of panic and anxiety disorder in my family, so logically I have panic and anxiety disorder, and my main manifestation is through worry about my health.  Obsessive, relentless, often unrealistic worry about my health.  I'm better now that I'm on some medication and had some therapy.  But it's always there.
2.  I rarely wear bright colors.  I tend to live in blacks and greys.
3.  I have one tattoo and I love it.  It's one of the prettiest tattoos I've seen. Ever.  I don't regret it one bit.
4.  I have two kids, both born by csection, and I'm intensely jealous of the fact I never got to have a "regular" birth experience.  (Yes, I'm talking VAG here)
5.  I often joke about zombies and end of the world stuff, but I really and truly do think about what I would do in an apocalyptic situation and how I would survive and keep my family safe. 
6.  I hate going to movie theaters to watch movies.  I'd much rather wait for it to be out for rent.
7.  I take my bra off immediately when I get home.  The only thing I do before bra removal is shoe removal.
8.  I scar easily.  My skin sucks.
9.  I'm really good at Wheel of Fortune.  Like, REALLy good.  I need to get on that show.
10.  I  never put away my laundry. 
11.  I'm afraid of the chemicals in deodorant.
12.  I think golf is the dumbest sport ever.  EVER.
13.  I'm an ex smoker.  In college I smoked a pack a day. I also quit almost 9 years ago, thank goodness.
14.  You couldn't pay me to eat a mushroom.
15.  I'm tired of making this list.


Stay tuned for more posts covering the 100 blog post challenge.  If I get around to doing more.  We'll see.

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog.
Day 03- A picture of something you cannot live without.
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 05- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.
Day 06- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 07- A hobby you have.
Day 08- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 09- Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 10- Something/someone you’re proud of.
Day 11- A story about a past relationship.
Day 12- A picture of something you dislike.
Day 13- Share a secret.
Day 14- Write a letter telling someone something you could never tell them.
Day 15- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.
Day 16- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.
Day 17- Something you could live without.
Day 18- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 19- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 20- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.
Day 21- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be.
Day 22- Share a picture from your day.
Day 23- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 24- What is something you crave.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.

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I Bet Even Dr. Phil Would Have to Agree that Sometimes, a Throat Punch is *Totally* Your Best Option.

Conversation between the Hubby and myself Thursday night while I'm cleaning the kitchen and he's watching me clean the kitchen.  Asshole.

Me: intently loading dishwasher and humming Glee tunes to myself.
Hubby: Staring stupidly.  Whatcha doing?
Me: Really?  It's not obvious?
Hubby:  Want me to do something?
Me:  No.
Hubby:  using his all time favorite fucking line. What do you mean, no?
Me: Staring blankly with total and complete annoyed face.  No isn't clear?
Hubby:  What do you mean?
Me:  growl and eye roll so big my eyes about don't come back down.

Hubby wanders off after catching on that my death glare isn't, in fact, a look of love and adoration.

Hubby wanders back.
Watches me clean some more.  Asshole.
Hubby: hopeful, yet pathetic tone. What can I do?
Me: martyr-like because I do every damn thing around here and that's just fine because at least that way it's done and done right. NOTHING.
Hubby: What do you mean, nothing?

Me: OHMYFUCKINGGAWD GET OUT OF HERE!

We communicate like goddamn professionals.

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We Caught Meth Germs. Or Herpes. Meth Herpes, Maybe?

For the three day Labor Day weekend, we took off south a little ways to spend a couple days at a waterpark.

First, me in a bathing suit?  EEK.  I apologize to my fellow waterpark patrons.

Second, since I'm a people watcher, I had plenty of opportunity to watch/spy on the general public while swimming.  I learned a LOT about some of my fellow Americans.  I'm trying my best to be less judgmental of others, but it's just so hard when there are toothless women trying to squeeze into tiny bikinis all around you.  *shudder*  It's like they're asking for my ruthless commentary.....  don't worry, I criticize myself just as sharply.

So I watched.  And judged.  So sue me.  Although mostly perfect, I am still human.

Once we got home, we started to become sick.  All of us.  Ears are plugged up, noses are running, and throats are scratchy and coughing.  I can only assume that having all of those tattooed (not fully judging, I have one too), toothless, open wound/wet bandages-covering-open-wound people are to blame.  Especially the toothless lady with sores all over her body like she's been digging around in her skin for scabies or Morgellon's fibers or meth hallucination-induced bugs or such. 

Thank you ma'am, for your meth herpes.

PS, Dental care is important. And expensive. I'm not trying to criticize anyone who cannot afford the dentist. Just those who refuse to go and chug pop and candy and chewing tobacco all day. Also? I don't really like my dentist. He doesn't seem to appreciate me saying "that hurts, motherfucker" while he's working in my mouth. I also doubt he appreciates that I bite.

PPS, I'm aware that tobacco addiction is a serious topic. As is meth addiction. So hey, don't do it in the first place please. If you feel you or someone you know has a drug addiction, seek professional help. I cannot help you. I have my own issues. CLEARLY. Unless you consider judging and swearing and berating to be help... Then I'm all yours.

PPPS DON'T GOOGLE MORGELLON'S DISEASE IF YOU EVER WANT TO SLEEP AGAIN.

PPPPS to all dentists, especially mine.... stop with the needles in the gums, assholes. Just laughing gas our asses out before you start. Then maybe we'll like you, you sadistic fucks.

PPPPPS I'm sorry I judged you, weird waterpark people. I can't help myself.

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A One of a Kind Welcome to Seventh Grade

I know how much you all like my stories, so here ya go.

At the end of my sixth grade year, my family moved over 300 miles away from our "home" to take up residence in an entirely new part of the state due to my dad's job.  I went from my birth town of roughly 700 people, to an intermediate town of about 1,500 people, to suddenly a booming metropolis of over 5,000.  Talk about a lack-of-real-culture, culture shock. 

I was super nervous for my first day of school for many, MANY reasons, as you can probably assume.  I was a whole state away from family and friends, I was at the awkward junior high stage of life, we barely moved out of a hotel into a rental home the day before school started, I didn't have the "in" clothes, and in general I was a brooding, hormonal ball of bitchy.  I was a joy to behold. 

Picture it: first day of seventh grade.  Permed hair perfectly gelled to a crisp, bangs teased to monstrous proportions.  Glasses hidden in back pack so there would be one less thing to tease me about.  Best clothes on.  Trapper keeper stocked.  I stepped onto the bus with my older sister and away we went to hell school.

My memory of most events of that day are pretty hazy or completely erased, except for homeroom.  I had homeroom in the art room, and my short, pudgy teacher seemed nice enough.  She kindly placed me next to some poor soul whose job it would be to get me around to my classes that day.  The girl was super nice, therefore, she became my insant BFF.  Unbeknownst to her, of course.   I was given a seat across from her, sat down, and was immediately welcomed to my new town and school by the odd and dirty "outcast," we'll refer to him as "J", in the best way he knew how to impress a new girl... by picking his fucking scabs and flinging them at her. 

You read that correctly.  Scabs. All over body.  Picked.  FLINGED and FLICKED.

I must admit, you've gotta hand it to J for such a unique welcoming to the new girl.  My day only went uphill from there.  Thanks bud!

Here's a rendering:

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The One in Which Bad Toilet Paper Sends me on a Downward Spiral.

My workplace buys the cheapest goddamn toilet paper in the universe and yesterday as I sat and wasted 15 minutes of my life going pull....rip.....pull....rip....pull.....rip because it only comes out ONE SQUARE AT A TIME and I'm the kind of person who likes to waste use a lot of paper for quality cleaning, I thought to myself, what next, universe?  
Will I discover I'm suddenly out of tampons at the worst possible time?  No coffee when I really really need it?  Will the clot in my leg finally throw and travel to my lungs and suffocate me to death?  Will my Morgellon's disease finally surface? (seriously fellow hypochondriacs, DON'T Google that.)

It's like the asshole universe is kicking me while I'm down.
Things have been going so super good and I've been energized and happy and going and doing and being productive and mature and shit, and then the rug got pulled out from under me by the realization that someone I thought was a friend has never really been a friend to me in the all years we've been "friends."

I'm more mad at myself than anyone because the signs have always been there and that nagging voice in my head has always brought it up but I wanted it to be... well... something it wasn't.  A real friendship and shit.  You know, one where I tell you stuff first because I like you and when I have something to share I go to you because you have my best interest at heart?  And then you do the same, not INGORE ME or avoid me for better people because God forbid anyone even remotely consider the fact we are friends.

I'm such an asshole.  I'm like the dumbest sucker ever.  And currently the dumbest panic attacking sucker ever. Thank God I'm also the numbest sucker ever.  I love you Xanax.  I self medicate.  Don't judge.

So, the moral of the story is, cheap toilet paper and a bad friendship are both motherfuckers and I'm a moron.

Give me lots of comment love.  I need validation.

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