What Ms. Mediocre Has Learned in her 26th Year.

A couple of weeks ago I sent out a call for some guest posters and received a few awesome replies.  (You still can join in if you want, you know.)  I owe these people a big thank you.  It's like they're doing my homework for me and I'm reaping the rewards of my laziness.  I've been neglecting my happy little blog for a bit now.  It must stop.  I love you blog and bloggy readers.  The neglect will stop I swear.... Once we all start sleeping better (longer) and I don't need the muscle relaxers for my freaking back anymore.  OK.  Weird off topic rant over.

Today's guest poster is Ms. Mediocre over at Life in the Mediocre Lane.  She's been blogging for just a handful of months, and her writing is super fun.  What I like best is the obvious sarcasm and snark that saturates some of her posts..... it's like she's a way better version of me.  So go check her out.  AFTER you read this, of course.  

Thanks a bunch Ms. Mediocre! 

Things I learned in my 26th year….by the way, this reflection is making me really hope for a better 27th.
1. I can’t lose weight by only exercising for 10 minutes a month, no matter how hard I try.

2. Some people downright refuse to take advantage of modern inventions like the blinker, cruise control or even a debit card. All I have to say to those particular people is A) get off the freakin’ road I am driving on B) when I pass you Mr. 45-65 MPH don’t you DARE tailgate me and C) do you really need to count out your 87 cents while you are ahead of me with my 3 items that just really wants to swipe my God damn card??

3. The longer I work at a job that requires me to type all day, the worse my handwriting gets. I started out with 3rd grade hand-writing and am now at a Kindergarten level. Give me a few more years and I will need to wear a helmet outside.

4. The older I get the more I want to try the things I never did when I was younger. Any advice on how to purchase pot? I would also need a referral of a good divorce lawyer because the Husband would throw my ass out.

5. No matter how much weight I have gained and gained my husband thinks I am sexy….or his skill at lying has increased 150%...the same increase as my BMI.

6. I am lazy. Nothing extra there….that is just something I have learned. 

7. Mt. Dew is to me as heroin was to Chris Farley. I am an addict…a complete Mt. Dew whore and I don’t care who knows it! 

8. I have learned to live vicariously through others. I have been with the same man for 10 years so anytime anyone wants to share some wild dating experiences I mentally substitute myself as the main character.

9. A major talent I have discovered is entertaining myself. A talent I have not conquered is finding others in the world that also enjoy my 3rd grade sense of humor. I am sorry, but anyone should be able to chuckle about a lady with the last name of Slutsky.

10. The older I get the more fears I develop. My latest one is a debilitating fear that my house is going to catch on fire when our dog is in his kennel…I could cry right now thinking about it.

11. My imagination is an amazing yet crippling thing. In my mind when I shop I am 5’10 and 120 pounds. My fantasies have me believing I could totally kick ass as a fighter. I also secretly believe there is some lonely Vampire in this world searching just for me. Every day dream I have has set me up for failure.

12. Women can be just as disgusting as men. I am one of those women.

I think I will have to leave this at a dirty dozen….if you caught the part about a helmet, you will understand that I really don’t learn all that well.


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