Things I've Learned in My 33rd Year. Plus a Call for Guest Posters.

Read carefully. Maybe even take notes. This kind of learning you're about to get here usually comes with some expensive-ass tuition and books, crowded dorms, an asshole roommate, plus a few one-night-stands and an STD and/or pregnancy test.

1. I'm 7 years closer to a post that will say,  "Things I've learned in My 40th Year"
2. If I take a Xanax during the night, because for some reason my panic attacks almost always strike at night (anyone else?)I'm extra tired and slow-moving in the morning. I also don't give a shit about it cuz I'm still so relaxed and apathetic. I'm late for work you say? Meh....
3. I refuse to spend $100 on a pair of jeans, but will drop that amount times 5 in a friggin heartbeat on anti-aging face junk.
4. Home-based business parties (Scentsy, Pampered Chef, Lia Sophia, etc) are the new social life. A chance to get away from the kids, drink, laugh with friends, and avoid hot 21- year-olds in stilettos who make you feel old and dried up w/ no game at the bar.
5. My hair is thinning. What. The. Fuck?
6. You can wear a bra 24/7. The girls are still gonna droop. Gross.
7. Nap time is wasted on the young.
8. Learning about a topic of interest to you is actually fun. What's that you say? Learning can be fun? Bitch be trippin.
9. My hormones have begun to go AWOL. Much to the Hubby's dismay.
10. I'm no longer limber nor strong enough to gracefully hang halfway off my bed to reach a dropped object on the floor. I make the attempt, probably 3-4 times a week. And I FALL the hell right off.  Every effing time.  You'd think I'd learn and adapt.  Nope.  Survival of the fittest doesn't apply to me.  I'm lucky to even be alive at this point.
11. It's ok to eat so much that you need to unbutton your pants after the meal. Just be sure you're wearing a long shirt.
12. I'm never NEVER ever going to remember on my own that I unplugged the flat iron/curling iron/clothes iron/turned off the oven/blew out the candles so I should pretty much be exempt from those responsibilities. It's basically a lost cause. So, if you don't want to hear me question a thousand times if I unplugged or blew out or turned off an object that could start a fire and kill us in our sleep, YOU do it instead. I designate Hubby the household "double checker."
13. Sommersaults aren't fun. At. All.
14. Swinging on a swing is not fun. At. All.
15. I get dizzy easily these days. Obviously.
16. Pants must come off immediately upon returning home from work.  As must bra.  Comfy clothes-wearing must commence within 10 minutes of being home.
17. I'm more self-assured stubbornly set in my ways than ever before. How I like my coffee, how I like my pillows, what temp the house must be, etc. Also, which couch I wanna watch a movie on. Take my couch and I'll ruin the ENTIRE movie experience for you by huffing and puffing and groaning and whining.
18. When "going out," always drive yourself. It's the only way to guarantee you're home in time for the 10:00 news/Roseanne reruns. All the other bitches will be all, Oh my Gawd!! It's too EARLY to go home loser! They can suck it.
19.  Daily wine consumption does not make you an alcoholic.  It makes you sane.
20.  Never do it with the lights on.

So there.  Things I've learned in my 33rd year on this planet.
Pretty profound stuff, right?

Now it's your turn!
Any words of wisdom of your own? 
I'm looking for guest posters!!
The only requirements are that you
a.  write in English.
b. write with a "tone."  You know, that tone that would cause your mother to go, don't you dare take that tone with me young lady/man!  I love that tone.  Pure sarcastic wit.
c.  Make it about things you've learned in your _________ year.
d.  Really, that's it.  Have fun.  Be funny or wise or serious or sarcastic or conspiracy-theorist or bossy.
Plus profanity and artistic renderings are always welcome.
My email is at the bottom of this blog page, otherwise here it is for those of you, who like me, are too lazy to scroll down.

Comment below to indicate interest.  Email me your interest and/or guest post. Send a link to your blog.  If you have a button, I'd love to share it with your guest post.   This is a great way to increase your readership and followers.

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I am a wife, mommy, and all around productive member of society. Usually. I'm pretty much a legend in my own mind.


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