My Cats are Pretty Much Useless.

I'm trying to train my cats to rub my feet but since cats are selfish assholes animals, it hasn't been going too well.  For instance, they don't appreciate when I take their little paws and show them how to do a kneading motion even though I KNOW they know how to do that because they do it all the time as kittens.  Apparently they don't like being made to do anything against their will.  So then I tried to get them to rub my feet passive-aggressively by pushing them down on the floor and rubbing them on their backs and tummies with my feet.  I figured hey, win-win, we both get massages, but alas, again, they don't like being made to do anything they don't put their own minds to.  Next came bribery, because as all human and animal trainers know, living things will do pretty much anything for a reward, especially when it's a delicious food reward. But my asshole cats simply ate the treats and ran away. It's like they don't love me or care about my feelings at all.  I don't want to have to do it, but I will seriously consider withholding all love, affection, treats, and water until they start to cooperate.  If that's what it's gonna take to get a damn foot rub in this house, then I will do it.

No I will NOT rub your feet, person.  Now bring me a treat and the remote.*not one of my cats, by the way.  They don't sit still for photos.  Assholes.