Uterus, You're Fired!

This week's theme over at Cheesy Bloggers is performance reviews.  Since the theme is my idea, I've gotta do a post on the topic, right?  I've decided that it's time for a serious sit down with my uterus to discuss her sorry, sad performance during the past couple of years.  I think it's time for her to face the music.Uterus, you've done great things for me.  Twice you've been an invaluable asset to the body by housing and protecting two amazing little girls.  You took them both willingly, each on the first try.  You have a cervix of steel that takes FOUR days to dilate to a FIVE, which is a tad excessive, but hey, you were protecting our littles, keeping them baking until just right. I know the csection cuts weren't the best way to manage things, but that's the way it had to be.  The pelvis let you down, I know that, but we've gotta work as a team. 
The first pregnancy you handled like a champ.  So good in fact, you kept that baby a week late.  The second one, you could've done better, what with the whole placenta accreta scare, but we made it through just fine.  Now that your baby-carrying days are done though, you've really been slacking in your performance.  I'm not sure what's been up with you the past couple of years since you finished your job with the Wee One, but enough is enough.  Cramps?  Bloating?  Needing super freaking PLUS tampons?  A period every 20-21 days?  It's gotten old.  And now they want to check for fibroids?  Why are you revolting against the body?  Why are you punishing us? What happened to being a team player?  I know your reproductive days are done. That fact makes me sad too.  More than you can ever know.  I know that you're thinking ahead towards total retirement.  But we still have time together, and as much as I'd like to let you go based on your performance, we need to find a way to make this work.
Your performance has been sub-par.  Poor.  I'm putting you on a probationary period (no pun intended.  Ok, kind of intended.).  We will be looking at options to make you more cooperative.  I hope you decide to work with us for the good of the body and my sanity.  Otherwise, you'll be fired.  And in this economy?  Good luck finding another job.

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