I Have a Much Better Post Planned But I Can't Finish It What With My Currently Dying and All.

I have another post being finished up plus a guest poster to host but unfortunately you're getting this hot mess of a half-assed post due to the heart attack I'm currently experiencing.  It started last night after I ate a half gallon of Dairy Queen soft serve and I started having chest pains and my esophagus spasmed up and I knew then a myocardial infarction was in the works.  See how I even know the technical name?  The hubby was all, it's heartburn, dummy. Eat some Tums.  But I know better because I did work in a hospital for three years plus my sister works in a hospital plus I have regular doctor's appointments in which I always look through their drawers and cabinets and health magazines and Physician's Desk References while waiting plus I use Google for medical ailments every singe day so I'm telling you, it's a motherfucking heart attack.  He says I wouldn't be alternating between clutching my upper chest and saying OUCH and then belching so much but I disagree.  Heart attack pain can radiate to your shoulder and arms, and are often the result of your body punishing you for gorging your fat ass with ice cream.  It's like my heart is telling me no more Dairy Queen. Also, the belches are just my lungs' meager attempt to catch as much oxygen as they can before I die.  I'm not sure about the farting, but it's definitely related to internal systems already shutting down.

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My Personal Non Political, Non Religious, Short and Sweet (unlike this title) Manifesto

I was having dinner and drinks with some old girlfriends (they aren't old, our relationship is old. Like about 20 years old.) the other night, and we were at one point bitching about our jobs. Then complaining about how hot this crazy asshole weather has been lately. And that somehow led us to talking about how much we really dislike the general public. Which then led to our dream spot to live. God we sound like some cranky old men, eh? Like you, I have no idea how these topics are all connected because I'd had a huge glass of wine, a huge glass of sangria, and then eventually the remaining two of us that stayed after dinner shared a big pitcher of sangria. It was actually less pitcher-like and more of a "caraffe." Like you'd get full of coffee..... at a church dinner. When you're 72 years old. 

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Lamely Kiss and Tell

I'd say I remember it like it was yesterday, but in fact it's only a vague memory with most details long gone from my brain.  As it probably should be, considering the circumstances.
I'm talking about my first "real" kiss.  Many people likely look back on their first real kiss fondly.  I think back and immediately cringe.  It was definitely NOT what I'd hoped it would be.  But it's reality, and since I'm usually lame in most everything I do, this was no exception.

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Boredom Rant with Lots of Run On Sentences. Shut the Hell Up, Grammar Police.

Lately I've been going just a tad bit out of my mind because the days where we have something to do are being outnumbered by the days that we don't have anything to do.  Summer is dwindling by and we've entered the beginnings of the stage commonly known as "OH HOLY HELL WHEN DOES SCHOOL START ALREADY?"  This can't just be occurring in my house you guys. Tennis lessons and swim lessons and softball are all finally over.  We've done the zoo, the pool, the playgrounds, the play dates, the library, the movies, the museums, nineteen hundred thousand (yes it's a real number shut up) rounds of bubbles and sidewalk chalk and hopscotch, school supply shopping, the doctor's appointments that get crammed into summer... all done.

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What Ms. Mediocre Has Learned in her 26th Year.

A couple of weeks ago I sent out a call for some guest posters and received a few awesome replies.  (You still can join in if you want, you know.)  I owe these people a big thank you.  It's like they're doing my homework for me and I'm reaping the rewards of my laziness.  I've been neglecting my happy little blog for a bit now.  It must stop.  I love you blog and bloggy readers.  The neglect will stop I swear.... Once we all start sleeping better (longer) and I don't need the muscle relaxers for my freaking back anymore.  OK.  Weird off topic rant over.

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The Hottest 4th of July I Can Remember

So, the 4th of July had me contemplating a post I've been thinking about for a while.
I haven't written it yet because I don't think it's really all that funny.  But it highlights my own ridiculous, stubborn, high maintenance, and pouty behavior that has made me a legend in my own circles.
Wee One has been acting REALLY naughty and stubborn lately, which is totally and exactly how I was as a young girl.  And to be honest, still am.

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What Kim's Learned in Her 33rd Year

Remember my all-call for guest posters last week?  I wrote a post on things I have learned during this 33rd year of my life.  I asked for fellow writers and bloggers to share their lists as well.  I received a lot of responses, and today I'm featuring my very first guest poster.
I'm super excited today to host the fabulous and funny Kimberly from Yep. They Are All Mine. 

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Happy Fourth of July

Here's my obligatory Independence Day post.
All of us are dressed in red, white, and blue.
The sparklers, and spinners, and snappers, and other fireworks are ready to go.
The huge town display will be attended at dusk.
Fried chicken, potato salad, and too much dessert have been consumed.
We have a bucket full of candy from a small town parade containing more tractors and firetrucks and county fair queens than people in the total population of town.  And only one live horse.  Strange.  There's usually more.  But hey, less horse shit plopped on the hot concrete at our feet.

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Things I've Learned in My 33rd Year. Plus a Call for Guest Posters.

Read carefully. Maybe even take notes. This kind of learning you're about to get here usually comes with some expensive-ass tuition and books, crowded dorms, an asshole roommate, plus a few one-night-stands and an STD and/or pregnancy test.
1. I'm 7 years closer to a post that will say,  "Things I've learned in My 40th Year"
2. If I take a Xanax during the night, because for some reason my panic attacks almost always strike at night (anyone else?)I'm extra tired and slow-moving in the morning. I also don't give a shit about it cuz I'm still so relaxed and apathetic. I'm late for work you say? Meh....

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