I May Be Vain but I'm Also Not Very Smart So it Evens Itself Out in the Long Run

This morning I took a quick glance at myself out of the corner of my eye while passing a mirror and frantically getting ready for work.

My first thought upon seeing that quick glimpse of myself?  Awww. I'm such a cute pregnant woman!

My immediate, second thought? What. The. Fuck.  I'm not even pregnant.

So my own subconscious was saying to me, hey fatty.  You look six months pregnant and you haven't even been pregnant for over a year and a half.  Do a sit up here and there, lard ass.

So I'm doing nightly crunches and other abs exercises in my bedroom while the door is locked because I can only assume I look like a moron doing them and I'm too vain to exert myself in front of others.  And while I was doing them tonight I looked down and I swear I can see some sort of bulge above my belly button when I crunch up and that can only mean I now need abdominal surgery to correct a hernia, all because my subconscious made me start doing sit ups.  I can only hope that some kind doctor will perform a tummy tuck while correcting the probable possible hernia.  Like a two-for-one deal.

I tell you guys, it's like I'm one carb away from exploding.   It's so depressing I need to go have a snack now.