**UPDATED** I Couldn't Fall Back Asleep Last Night So I Woke Up Late but I Couldn't Call in to Work Because "I Was Up Late Working on My Zombie Outbreak Preparedness Plan" isn't a "Valid" Excuse. Whatever.

About 2:20 am, princess Wee One decided that she was going to be awake.  Loudly awake.  It could've been her 18 month shots that had her feeling grumpy, I don't know, but she was up.  And pissed.  So I rocked her pretty little self back to sleep.

When I got her back in bed and set off towards my bedroom, the hallway was pitch black and I couldn't see.  I was scared of tripping and falling and ghosts pulling my hair, so after I blindly and anxiously felt my way back to bed, I whisper-yelled at the Hubby that the flashlight wasn't on (we turn a little one on when Wee One gets up so we don't have to turn on hallway or room lights.  Because that hurts the eyes.  Try it sometime.  Go from full on sleep in pitch black to full on lights blaring.  Not fun.)

Turns out the batteries in the flashlight died.  And we don't have another currently functioning flashlight.

Therefore I laid in bed for a good hour thinking about the fact that we are sorely unprepared for any sort of disaster, especially the zombie apocalypse because my God, we don't even have a frigging working flashlight in our house.  And we also haven't checked the smoke detectors in like, two years.  The hell?  We suck as grown ups.

As I lay there planning and telling the Hubby about my zombie outbreak plans, he snored in agreement with my wonderful ideas.  Like we should have a stash of bottled water always on hand.  And duct tape.  Because what can't be made or done with duct tape, right? And ski masks so maybe the zombies wouldn't even recognize that we're living humans if we're wearing them.  Or better yet, plastic Halloween zombie masks.  Then we could go out among them in disguise to get needed supplies.  Like Starbucks and McDonald's.

I call this one.  This wouldn't make me stand out. at. all.

Actually, now that I think about it, this would attract too much attention because the boy zombies would be all, hey baby.  You're one fine looking zombie chick.  UGH. Men.  Dead, alive, or undead...all the same.

I also figured out that we should hold family practice zombie outbreak drills at Walmart on a Friday night.  Because, same difference.  Practice runs are always a good idea when planning for the worst.  I'm sure my neighbors won't mind us running around our yard screaming "I think I've been bit! Save yourselves!"  I also decided I need to go buy the Zombie Survival Guide at Borders.  That probably has some good tips.  Since I couldn't run out and buy the book just then, because of the whole middle of the night issue, I used my smart phone that's smarter than me and I Googled zombie survival gear and found out I need a cordless chainsaw, a neck AND testicle protector, a titanium bat, a GPS device, a flashlight (with batteries, sonofabitch), and a first aid kit.  There are lots of other supplies we'd need, but the more and more I read some of those websites, the more freaked out I got that people actually take this zombie apocalypse thing seriously and think it's really gonna happen and they're already planning and training for it and Oh Holy Hell I'm one of them because I'm wide awake at 3:00 in the freaking morning making my own freaking zombie outbreak plan.  
So, there you have it.  I'm pretty certain that if I would've called in sick or late to work today with this as my excuse, I'd be in mandatory, court and employer-ordered therapy.  And all I got out of it was bags under my eyes, not enough sleep, still no working flashlight, and embarrassing amounts of pathetic shame that I'm becoming one of those zombie geeks.  There won't be a zombie outbreak, I know that logically.  But just in case, I'm keeping this bookmarked in case I decide to sign up. Zombie Survival Course Weekend
I'm so freaking tired today you guys.  Zombie outbreak prep is exhausting work. 

Weirdest. coincidence. ever
Same night I published this post, the very next night after initially discovering the nonworking flashlight, we lost power in our house.  Our entire neighborhood. For about 7 hours.
And remember how I mentioned above that we don't have one effing working flashlight in our house? Which led to me pondering our disaster UNpreparedness?
Yepper.  Not a working flashlight to be found.  I found one that was empty of batteries.  I found one that worked...for about 2 minutes before its batteries died.  I couldn't find new AA batteries to fill them with either, and there's only three places in our house where we use AA batteres: tv remotes, the kids' toys, and Mommy's "toys."  And I wasn't gonna dare take batteries from any of those (even though the televisions weren't technically working.  It's just not okay to have empty remotes.  For when the TV does turn on.  We love TV).  And to have nonworking kids' toys?  Not a good idea in a house run by the kids.  And the last option? Ah hell no. Forget it.

So I tiptoed around by candlelight like it was effing 1850 minus the log cabin and Ma and Pa and Laura and a blind Mary stumbling around, searching for something to illuminate our dark ass house.
My cell phone light and candles was all we had.  Which made me start to think not only about zombies again, but that evil ass tooth fairy in that movie that kills you if you see her.  Darkness Falls. Remember that one?  And I'm sure you recall that the only thing that kept her away was light?  Well Bossy Girl is losing teeth lately like no other, so chances are high that tooth fairy bitch will kill us all because we have ZERO lights when the power goes out.  Sonofafrigginbitch.

NOT the tooth fairy.                                  


*probably* the tooth fairy. 


With no light and nothing to do, we went to bed at like, 8:00. For the love.  We are screwed if a true disaster strikes. 

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