A Mish-Mash of a Post In Which I Ramble. Welcome to My ADD.

Did I ever tell you about the time I ran a marathon?
Oh, that's right, cuz I didn't.
I have zero urge to run.  Like, ever.
Sure, I'll run after Wee One when it seems she's heading straight for the street or about to dash away in a crowded store.
Sure, I'll run if a brain hungry zombie is after me.

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At Long Last I Can Go Hiking and Get My Arm Trapped By a Boulder!

Thanks to the ever manly, studly, funny, sexy (his adjective contribution) witty, bicep torn, charming, perverted, probably damp with a chronic wrist cramp Rodney over at Mental Poo, I can fulfill this life long wish mentioned in the title.... getting trapped while hiking.
Actually, it's not a life long wish, I just happen to have recently watched 127 Hours, and then ironically, the very next day, the "survival kit" I won at random from his blog arrived at my door.  It's like he knows my every move....

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Actual Photographic *Proof* That Jesus Showed Up For The Rapture, but Then Got Too Busy Doing Something Else to Follow Through

After it became completely apparent that there wasn't going to be any Rapture taking place yesterday, the Hubby left the kiddos and I to join the guys in a bachelor party for my soon to be brother-in-law.
The details of what transpired last night will probably be kept secret for all time, however, there is something major that the Hubby did share.  A photo.  From a small town, middle of nowhere bar, where some small town band was playing it up.

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If I Die Young, Bury Me in Dirt, Not Satin. Preferably in a Box. Wearing Footie Jammies.

Jillsmo over at Yeah Good Times had the best idea for a post, so like all dedicated copy cats, I'm borrowing her idea and trying it out myself.  Check out her blog, by the way.  She is super funny.  And she's on the Twitter too. 
Go to tombstonebuilder.com and try out making your own headstone.
Here are the options I'll be giving my Hubby to puruse through for when I'm dead.
Enjoy!

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I Sure Hope I Get the Last Laugh On This One.

So for weeks I've been making fun of this May 21 Rapture stuff but like all true hypochondriacs, when I make myself obsess over something long enough, I eventually become convinced it just may be real.
Remind me to tell you about the time I had a brain tumor and a deep vein thrombosis AND Parkinson's all at the exact same time.  FML.

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How I Single-handedly Cancelled the "Rapture." OR, At Least Guaranteed My Spot in Heaven to Avoid the Ensuing Chaos

Here's what I understand about the "Rapture," aka end of world.
Keep in mind I don't go to church much anymore, and I don't read the Bible, so my information comes strictly from the Left Behind series.  And by series, I mean the ONE movie I watched of it because Kirk Cameron was in it and I used to love love love Growing Pains.

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Well Well Well, Look Who Decided to Start Working Again.

Dear Blogger,
I was starting to worry that due to this shitty economy you were laid off because your job went overseas and you would be collecting unemployment while watching Maury Povich and eating potato chips all day and I'd never get to blog again.  CAN YOU EVEN FATHOM THAT CRAZINESS?? Which of course would have lead to some sort of crack in the space time continuum, causing Earth to suddenly travel back in time roughly a half million years and then spiral into a massive black hole where we'd spin and spin for all eternity and no one would hear our endless screaming. We'd be screaming so much because, you know, the spinning. I hate being dizzy. Oh, and the dinosaurs. (I think they were around a half million years ago. Not sure. I'll have to read Palin's book to fact check that.) Plus if we're that far back in time we also wouldn't have cell phones and Internet and Doritos and vibrators so we'd really be SOL.

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I'm Like a Superhero. A Bitter, Bitter Superhero.

So today at work I voluntarily took on an extra little "project" because someone else who was originally supposed to do it did such a lame, half-assed, pathetic job it just simply had to be redone and who decides to raise her hand and be all, "me! me! I'll do it! I can totally knock it out in no time flat because I'm awesome"?
You guessed it, *this* girl, points at self in martyr-like fashion, sighs at the burden of being *necessary* and *invaluable* and basically a hero.

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In My Defense, The Librarian Was Probably Out to Ruin My Childhood and Send Me to Juvie at a Young Age

This news story was recently printed in the Chicago Tribune. A woman arrested over unpaid library fines.  Who knew they took that shit so seriously, huh?
Upon reading the article, I immediately broke out into a cold sweat.
You see, when I was in the 4th grade, I "played library" on my front porch, and not all materials *technically* made it back to the actual real library.  If that library is still keeping track, I've been on the lam for about 23 years and there's probably a warrant issued somewhere and does anyone know how much two decades worth of library fines would add up to and how much the bail amount would likely be?  Also, does Dog the Bounty Hunter work the Midwest ever? Hypothetical questions, of course.

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I'm Sad. Like, Bottom Lip Out, Pouty Sad. With a Tear or Two.

I logged in today and discovered that I lost a follower.
I don't know why or when or how.... but I'm sad.
Hold me.
 
Fellow bloggers, is this common?  How do I keep from taking it personally?
Was it something I said?  Wait.  This is a blog.  Of course it was something I said.  Since...you know... it's words.

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"Someone" Knows His Wife Well, Now Doesn't He? Thanks Hubster!

Yesterday I came home to this on my door.
 Kick. Ass.  
I first assumed it's an anniversary gift for our upcoming 10 year.
It's not diamonds, but it's way cooler.
Turns out, it's not a gift, just a freebie.  The Hubby saw it at a sign company and thought of me. 
It seems that he really does listen to me at times, rather than just nodding and tuning me out.  After all, that's what most people do when I speak.

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100. Like 300, but 1/3 of That. Plus No Hot Half Naked Spartans.

Drum roll please.....................
Yeah, I know, stupid. No drum roll.
This.  THIS.  Is my 100th post.  Not monumental to anyone but me.
I started this happy place in November, and I've already hit 100 posts.  I love writing this blog.  I love that people read it.  I love love.
So anyway, for my 100th post, I did something monumental.

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I Embarrassed Myself in Ways that Surprised Even Me.

My sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party was this weekend.  I'm still too hungover to write a coherent, organized post, so I'm gonna list the ways I embarrassed myself, an entire town, and Jesus all in one evening.
Here's the formula for how it all started.
Too many shots + too many beers + too many fruity drinks + 5 martinis + not much food all day + not much sleep = me acting like an asshole in public.

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