Relationship Advice from Me to You. Really, People. What The Hell Were You Thinking?

A few posts ago I wrote about how awesome the communication lines are between the Hubby and myself.  Remember?  Then, I offered to dole out invaluable relationship and communication advice to any poor saps readers who dare to ask.  And guess what?  Some dared.
So here are some reader questions regarding relationships, along with my answers.  Because nothing says "doctorate in marriage counseling" like the shitty advice I give out for free.

Here's a good one from Jenn from Fox in the City:

I am hoping you can help me with a little problem we have encountered. 
You see, when I get up at the crack of stupid with the kids they are feed, the dishes are done, dinner started and my lunch is made before he even gets out of bed. When he gets up with the kids, he sleeps on the couch until I get up and do everything I listed above but in less time. Thoughts on how to address this? 

Dear Jenn,
This is a common problem in my house as well.  Actually, only I refer to it as a "problem."  For my Hubby it's simply "habit" and "ignorance" and "laziness."  It's almost a daily battle in my home as I juggle kids and housework and full time job while the Hubby seems to be incapable of finding a matching pair of freaking socks.  How do I deal with it?  I swear at him, berate him, refuse to cook for him or do his laundry and of course, deny him sex until he figures his shit out, mans up for a day or two, then starts the inevitable slacking off again while I pick up doing all the work as usual.  It's a vicious cycle.  As women we have immense power.  The answer is always deny the sex.

Next is a question from Jenn 3128 who writes at The Pondering Pisces.  This may have been simply a rhetorical question, but since it's an issue I've faced as well, I'm going to address it:

It might just be me, but my Hubs seems to think I'm going to turn into a lesbian one of these days. Just last night watching DWTS together and every other word out of his mouth was "You'd do her, wouldn't you"? Uh, where did this lesbian fascination come from? 

Dear Jenn 3128,
Men are fucking perverts living in a constant state of porno-reality.  I'd say deny him the sex, but then you'll have to listen to him whine about how you never want to have sex, therefore you must be a lesbian, and then you're back to the starting point.  Just throw him a curve ball.  Next time he asks you if you'd "do her," simply say "yes," then moan a little bit and ask if you can call him by a girls' name while he wears your bra and panties and tucks *it* between his legs.  This may shock him enough to get him to shut the hell up with the girl-on-girl fantasy.

Now a question from Andrea from over at Maybe It's Just Me:

Why is a blank stare an acceptable response to anything like "I am sick of talking AT you instead of TO you" or "I wish you would say something"?

Dear Andrea,
It's not an acceptable response but it's most likely the one they'll give.  Why? Because they are stupid.  Period.  

Now, I've gotta admit.  This question is so sincere that I immediately assumed it was spam or some troll screwing with me.  I'm not used to sincere and serious, clearly.  It's a great question though, so I'll answer it  as only I do best, with sarcasm and insults.

From Mikhail at Digital Ballpen:
I am not yet married nor in a relationship. I'm 20 years old, male, single. What is the best advice you can give to someone like me? Love advice, in general. Thanks!

Dear Mikhail,
You write that you are young, male, and single.  What's the problem?  I don't see one.  You are YOUNG and SINGLE.  Live it the heck up, bubba.  
But really, here's what I've got for you from a female's point of view. Be honest.  Be respectful but not wimpy.  Have manners.  And a job.   A legal one.  A steady one.  Don't live in your parent's house past the college years.  Don't try to get her to put out in a car.... getting caught is embarrassing.  Take her places that are fun and different, not always dinner and a movie.  Don't rely on texting as your sole form on communication.  Don't smother her, yet at the same time find a decent balance of attention vs. freedom.  Be funny.  We like funny guys. Learn how to kiss REALLY well.  Find out what she likes and learn about it, but again, watch with the smothering. Oh, and give us presents.  We like those.  It's a delicate balance, getting along with us finicky females, but oh so worth it.  

Last, a question from my blogging sister from another mister, Marianna Annadanna over at Snappy Surprise and Cheesy Bloggers.  (which is also where I'm also at, so go there.)

Why is throwing a piece of asparagus at me considered an acceptable way to indicate interest in me getting off the phone and making dinner?

He's doing it ALL WRONG.  He is supposed to throw CASH at you to get your attention.  Or cheese.  Either one.  

Well, I think my job here is done for today.  Look out Dr. Phil.  I'm coming for your job next.

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