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HELP!!! I'M SUFFERING THROUGH WITHDRAWLS HERE!!!!

I CAN'T STAND THE CRAVINGS!!!!!
I need help!  Make it stop. I'm about to lose my ever-lovin mind.
I decided to give up carbs and try an Atkins-style diet. I'm calling it the caveman diet. The caveman connotation has more *flavor* than "atkins." What is supposed to happen then will be my body will stop the insulin/blood sugar yo-yo effect and learn to burn fat for energy.  And I've got plenty of that stored up.  I could hibernate all winter if need be. If OPEC would tap into my reserves (particularly my ass) and turn body fat into energy, gas supply would surge and prices would drop.  (OH MY GOD.  Did I really just type that OPEC should "tap" my ass?  Good.  Grief.  Who lets me write this thing anyway?)

I had zero clue I'd miss pasta or bread this much.
And I'm only on friggin day TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm crabby as hell and I swear to God and all that is good and holy I will punch someone out if they eat some chips or french fries in front of me.
I will deliver a karate chop to the neck of anyone I see eating spaghetti.
I will rip the individual damn eyelashes out of the eyelids of any poor fool dumb enough to munch on toast or bananas in my field of vision.
I'll dropkick your ass to steal your pancake.
And don't get me started on what I'll do to some idiot brave enough to drink a glass of wine near me.   
Oh Dear Lord the wine.... I forgot about the wine.  How can wine be a carbohydrate?  NOOOOOO.

I knew this violent side of me existed, but who knew I'd go all sorts of insane just by narrowing down my diet to meat, eggs, and lettuce? And did you know there's like a thousand different ways to eat eggs, by the way?
You'd think I was going cold turkey on cigarettes or alcohol or meth or something addictive like that.
Turns out carbs are my drug. (not your love. Sorry Kesha. PS. I don't understand you.  I'm kinda scared when I see pics of you)
And I miss the carbs so so much. 
Sweet, sweet bowl of goodness
Is there a rehab clinic I can go to?  Why hasn't Oprah founded one yet? She could call it the Oprah Winfrey Finally Carbohydrate Free Clinic.  Or, the Oprah Winfrey Stop Eating that Carb Shit and Lose Your Fat Ass Center.  I could spend all day coming up with creative names for Oprah's carbohydrate rehab clinic, but what I really want to do is eat a cheeseburger on a butter-toasted bun instead. With fries.
When I reread this post so far, I sound like a food-obsessed fatty. 
But I don't freaking care. Not. One. Bit. so suck it.  I'm not in the mood to care what others think of me.  Clearly.

I just Googled pictures of pasta for this post, and literally started drooling.  Not even joking. I'm not in the mood for joking. Don't joke with me.  Dude.  Back off.
I was starting to think I was losing my mind, so I then Googled "carbohydrate cravings" and found it's really and truly a disorder, not something I'm making up ( like my long-lost wealthy twin or amazing singing talent or ESP or ability to communicate with the dead.).
See?
 The term "carbohydrate craving" is used in a theory about the relationship between carbohydrate, insulin and appetite. We know that eating carbohydrate raises insulin, which then lowers blood sugar. This causes a desire (or craving) for more food and, for some people, carbohydrates in particular. High-sugar, refined starch, convenience and comfort foods feed the addiction like a drug. They produce correspondingly high blood sugar and insulin levels, which lead to even more cravings. They also produce higher levels of the brain chemical serotonin. In sensitive people, particularly those who may have low serotonin levels to begin with, a carbohydrate binge is the equivalent of self-medication - getting a sugar "high."

I know it's kind of like I'm going through a carb detox and I'll feel better soon, but until then, I'd better stay away from all restaurants, grocery stores, and innocent human beings.
 


1 Comment:

Mommy A. January 18, 2011 at 8:49 AM  

Ha! Hahaha. I soooo can relate. And would also be a client of the Oprah Fat-Ass clinic.
Found your blog through another site and stopped by.And Kesha scares me, too, so I will continue to do so if that's okay! Screw it, I'm linking you on my sad little blog.

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