An Open Letter To David Beckham

Dear Lover David, 
I've been admiring you from a distance for some time now.  Less distance now since you moved here to the US, so thank you for that one.  But still.  A distance.  I didn't like having an entire ocean between us, by the way.  Made it harder to stalk you.  Because I'm scared of the ocean.  I don't fully understand how deep it is, and those depths scare me.  Mainly because of what's down there that we don't even know about.  Freaks me the hell out.  What if you're floating out there and a giant whale is just under you and you don't even know it cuz it's so deep and dark and they're silent but deadly predators and holy shit I'm scared right now. Hold me like you mean it.

Anyway, thank you for moving closer.  And thank you for being your hot ass self. 
You are amazing.  Brad Pitt used to be amazing but now he's skanky and grey and hairy and I know you won't do that to yourself because your slut you live with wife won't let you let yourself go. Because she's fashionable and classy and not out buying up adopting orphans all over the free world.  I know she's preggo right now, and that means you sleep with her, but I'm willing to forgive you.  This time.  Because of the love and adoration I feel.  But seriously?  No more kids with her.  Four is enough.  And I know you have money and nannies and shit, and your kids are gorgeous, but just stop.  I'm jealous. Come have one with me.  Wait, my tubes are tied.  Fuckity fuck. We can still try, right?
I want to kidnap  woo you and make you mine but you'll get cold because I live in the Midwest and I'd make you be shirtless all the time because holy amazing abs and chest.  We can move though.  Like to the California coast.  But again?  That's near the ocean and hello scary and deep.   Plus?  The tsunami shit scares me too.  So I'm not sure where we'll go and maybe we'll just stay in the Midwest away from the ocean and the Yellowstone super volcano but I'll buy you a tanning bed for warmth. Plus a tan makes your abs look hotter. I would also snuggle you all the time, so you'll be warm that way.  We can stay under a Snuggie and never leave.  How amazing does that sound?  So really I'm saying I'd follow you anywhere, but let's just stay here.  And you stay hot and shirtless.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I'm a huge fan and your soulmate. Probably.
So call me.
I'll bake you something like a cupcake with yummy frosting and I'll drop the cupcake on your steaming chest and abs and lick it up because wouldn't the best way to eat a cupcake be off David Beckham's half naked body of sexiness? Clearly.
Sincerely,
Me.