I Spent a Couple Days in Chicago and All I Got Was a Free Newspaper. That I STOLE FROM A HOMELESS GUY. I'm Such an Asshole. But in My Defense, I Don't Know Hobo Etiquette.

Guys?  This one is gonna be a long one (that's what he said) so I'm gonna have to divide it into parts.  That's what "real" bloggers do to avoid torturing their readers with super ridiculously long posts about things that have no significance in the world order.  I can assure you, however, that all my musings have meaning and somehow are making the world a better place.  For the orphans.
Brace yourselves, this is part one of when I did Chicago.  (so dirty. Me, not the city.  Although, some parts of it were.  Just sayin.)

Like all "real" writers, I kept detailed notes of my experiences and thoughts as my mini vacay in Chicago commenced.  And by detailed notes, I mean random, half-assed, illegible scribblings on multiple post-its scattered throughout my knockoff Prada bag.
So I could remember everything.  For you.  You're welcome.

I have to start with the multiple hours long road trip up there, because nothing says *fun* and *blog post worthy* like a long interstate road trip.  I made the Hubby drive, for the sake of the other drivers and my children, while I acted as random commentator, judge of other drivers, bad driver flipper offer, swear word shouter, car door gripper, sippy cup passer backer, Queen of music volume and station changing, and toll change counter.  I have important travel duties on road trips, as you can very well see.  It makes you want to travel with me, doesn't it?  (say yes, cuz I bring treats.)  I also like to argue with our GPS system. Who is a total, spiteful bitch, by the way.  You'll find that out later.

heavy traffic = lots of Xanax.  Good thing I don't drive in it.  Ever.

Everything is fun in speeding four lane traffic that you aren't remotely used to.  WEEEE!  Not.  The sudden bottlenecks that make you slam on your breaks, the lane weavers who are inevitably driving mini Volvos & texting while driving, the race after you pause at a toll booth.....fun.  The tiny elderly Hispanic woman in a driver's ed car who looked terrified out of her ever-lovin mind and the driver's ed instructor with his hand on her wheel, himself looking terrified out of his ever-lovin mind.... fun.  I don't know about you, but if I could go back and re-learn how to drive, I would totally do it in Chicago traffic.  Because everyone with a death wish would.  Poor woman.  She was clearly out of her element.  I wanted to somehow show her that I totally understood and sympathized with her while we drove past her, but alas, I didn't pay a bit of attention in my Spanish classes so I didn't know how to wave to her en Espanol.  So I thoughtfully smiled and nodded and gave a "thumbs up".  I'm considerate like that.  And a thumbs up is a universal signal that defies language barriers.  What?  A simple wave is the same?  Who knew.

**just a side note, I'm not bashing Chicago drivers.  I'm bashing all drivers, particularly city drivers.  When I drive, all other drivers out there suck.

You know what else is funny on the Interstate?  And likely only funny to me?  When you speed past a semi truck called "Swift."  Fail on his part.

Yeah, turns out not so much *swift* as *painfully slow*

Also funny?  When you pass a cattle truck and one cow winks at you, and the other mouths "help."  Or it could have been "yo."  Or maybe it was "moo."  Hard to tell with cows.

What?  I'm not an animal whisperer.

By the way, I tweety twatted some of this on the Twitter.  If you're not following me there, you're clearly missing out.

Day 1 in Chicago consisted of surviving traffic, and spending the afternoon at Shedd Aquarium.  I love Shedd.  Especially when you have a stroller so you can avoid the long lines on the stairs and enter through the side where no one else is and there's no wait so you get right in and then you smile in a snotty manner at all the poor suckers still standing in line and you just went right on in like a rock star.

Whenever I go to any place that contains wild animals, I want almost every cute animal I see.  It's a problem that I have.  One of the many.  After being at Shedd, I had determined that I "need" an otter, a couple of penguins, my own dolphin, and a piranha.  You never really know when having a piranha could come in handy.

baby otter.  Come to mama!

We also viewed the Happy Feet 4D experience while there.  It was really cool.  (hee hee.  get it?  cool?  cuz it's penguins? in the polar region?)  I highly recommend everyone view a 4D movie if you haven't already.  There's the 3D part, plus, the seats rumble and lights glow and bubbles blow and wind gusts.  A couple of times you get poked in your seat.  Not fun teenager "poking" like you used to do in a dark theater, but something jabs you in your back from your seat.  I didn't like that part.  First, I thought the Hubby was touching me in the back, like maybe trying to roughly undo my bra.  Not likely.  Then, the second time it happened, I about flew out of my seat swearing, and ended up with a hive there.  Remember how I swell like a balloon?

After we left Shedd. we decided to walk along the lake.  So pretty.  This is when we encountered the homeless man that I eventually STOLE from. 
For that, stayed tuned for part II of when I did Chicago.