Professor Clump is my Alter Ego

THIS is a story my brother-in-law will appreciate me telling. Cracks his ass up every time.

For your backdrop to this story, just keep in the back of your mind the scene in the Nutty Professor when the fat Eddie Murphy keeps trying to bust out of the evil,skinny Eddie Murphy.

It all started about 8 months after the oldest daughter BG was born.  She was playing with a Fisher Price musical drum (pictured) and decided to bash me in the mouth with the drum.  Ahh, so sweet! Playing nice with mommy!  Within minutes my entire upper lip swelled up like a balloon. Think Angelina Jolie's and Lisa Rinna's upper lips combined....then tripled.
I called the on-call nurse who told me to ice it and take some Bendryl.  No biggie.  I called in sick the next day and let it slowly deflate until back to normal.

And then, completely out of the blue, the bottom lip lit up and swelled to quadruple its original size the next day FOR NO REASON!  WTH??

I went into the convenient care clinic this time cuz it was just so unexplained and weird.  They quickly took me back to a room, away from the Hubby and asked me if I "felt safe."  Well, I'm a tad freaked out that my lip randomly swelled up lady, but otherwise I'm good.  And no, the Hubby did not do this. 

More ice, more Benedryl, and the "Lip Incident of 2004" resolved itself fairly quickly.  There is video of this strange occurrence, but I will not share.  Not for a million dollars.  (But for 2 million we can talk....)

This can't be the end of the story, can it?  If so, it's been pretty lame.

I'd agree, but alas, there's more.

Ever since that day, body parts of mine would randomly swell for no apparent reason.  I'd be driving home, feel a weird itchy feeling in my thumb and poof!  Swelled up thumb, all Nutty Professor-Style.

Or, I'd be sitting on the couch, feel an itchy bump on the back of my thigh and poof!  Entire thigh swelled up in all sorts of Clump-a-licious glory.

As if the swelling wasn't fun enough, hives happened to appear as well.  If a tshirt sleeve or shoe rubbed my skin wrong... poof!  Hives! 

I went to an allergist and did all sorts of testing to find out that I have pressure urticaria (fancy doctor name for hives) that they call "dermatographism."  The doctor took a pen, scratched my back, and poof!  You get the picture.  It can go away as randomly as it appeared, or I could have it forever.

My most recent incident of being Clump-a-fied was after the Wee One was born and my tongue and right foot swelled up while still in the hosptial.  Good. Lord.

Prescription meds help keep it under control, thank goodness, but I never know when the Professor will fight to come out and play again.

2 Comment:

Grace November 14, 2010 at 9:35 AM  

Yer just a Clump-a-licious kind of gal!

SarcasmInAction November 14, 2010 at 12:02 PM  

Awww thanks Gracie! Just wait til I post about possums :)

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