After 33 Years, I've Finally Found Success!

Have you found success to be elusive in your own life?
Well, turns out, you've been looking in all the wrong places.
I have finally found success....wait.  Actually, success has finally found me.
Brace yourselves. I'm going to share the secret of success.
Success can be found in....  AFRICA!


See? She sent me an email.

I'm so grateful to know I can actually have success in my life.
I've decided to email her back.  Here's a draft of my email.  Let me know if it sounds okay!

My dearest Success,

At long last, you have found me!!  After years and years of toil, hard work, broken dreams, and pathetic failure, we have finally been connected!  I’ve thought of you so often.  Like, when I tried to lose those pesky 40 lbs and failed.  Or, when it took me almost 12 years to figure out how to tie my own shoes but alas I just gave up and now go strictly with Velcro.  Or, when I attempted that drunken back flip in the driveway… Oooo, that one hurt!  Also?  Every single lottery ticket I’ve ever purchased but never won.  In all of those instances, you have eluded me.  Until now.

I just know that if we were to meet, I’d no longer be known as “loser” or “you suck, so just give up already.”  Instead I’ll be known as “successful," "lucky," or “success’s soul sister.”

I’d love for us to meet.  Let’s make a plan.  I can’t guarantee I can make it to West Africa, cuz well, that’s kinda *general* when it comes to directions.  I don’t want to have to wander the entire Western part of the continent screaming out “Success!  Where are you success?!” I've done that enough in my own neighborhood.  And Walmart parking lot.  That's a fun place to wander around, screaming to yourself.  How about we meet in Gary, Indiana?  I hear they’re in need of some success for once ;)

Let me know as soon as possible if you can make it.  Also, since you’re so successful, why don’t you send me the following so I can make arrangements for your travel:

Your full name.  I already have your first and last. (Success Bugiba). Your address, social security number, height, weight, shoe size, a copy of  your dental records, and hair color.  Also the names and contact info for your next of kin, any aliases you go buy, either now or in the past, any bank account, money market, credit card numbers, and lastly, your favorite color.  If it’s pink, I swear we were meant to be!

Sincerely,

Your soul sister and very, very dear friend,

(The no longer) Failure Destiny Ann Beaumont