There's About to Be A Telethon in My Name You Guys. Get Your Visa Cards Ready.

My physical health is totally failing right now ya'll. I may be having cognitive issues as well cuz I just said ya'll and I'm not even Southern.

We have a new kitten in our home, and soon after we adopted her, we noticed she was sneezing up a storm, with terribly watery eyes and a runny nose.  We took her to the vet immediately, and were informed that many shelter animals have upper respiratory infections.  They put her on an antibiotic and strict cuddle therapy.  Ok, that second part was my idea. But she's just so damned cute.

We'd had her for a few days when on a Saturday night, during prescribed cuddle time, she stood up on my chest, stretched her wee little body, and sneezed in my face.  And my mother effin eye did NOTHING to protect my eyeball.  Nothing.  My right eye was left totally unprotected and sprayed with infected kitty goo.  It immediately started to water and itch.  I did what most would do in my situation, swear, chug my Mike's hard lemonade, and then Tweet about it. The only cat illnesses I know are feline distemper and feline chlamydia. Therefore logically I knew I had cat VD in my eyeball.

Here's a recreation of events as they unfolded in the Twitter:

New kitten just sneezed right on my eyeball! WTF is wrong w/ my blinking reflex that my lid left my eye totally unprotected?

I can see it now.  Bug flies towards eyeball.  Lid goes, meh...don't care.  Poor right eyeball.

My eye itches.  Kitty sneeze droplets must have spread something?  Distemper?  Feline chlamydia?  NOOOOOO!!

*next is a conversation about handflapper and jillsmo being siamese twins formerly connected at the boobs.*

I'm gonna need an eyeball transplant.  I need a blue-ish greenish right eye, preferably 20/20 visions.  donors?  DON"T MAKE ME GET A GLASS EYE!!

I'm starting a group.  #savemyeyeball.  still need a donor ball.

*this is where one pink chick offers me her left eye.  Normally I'd say, it's the thought that counts, but... wrong eye.*

So I say to her: hmmmm needing a right.  wouldn't i see funny or walk in circles if I had two left eyeballs? #profoundquestion

*and right about here is where handflapper goes into her story about her grandmother having a glass eye and keepin it in a box on her dresser.  Creepy.  Plus, one pink chick didn't appreciate how unappreciative I was by turning down her wrong eyeball offer.  So I said.... *

I have high standards for my balls.

EYE balls!  #prematuretweet

My eye continued to itch and burn, then the Hubby walked in and was all, "your eye is really red."  He holds the world record for stating the motherfucking obvious.

So I Tweeted:  effin feline chlamydia-infested eyeball!

And at that point, the infection started to spread to my brain, making me ill-mannered and stabby.  Also, with a blurry watery eye.

Then, this happened and needed to be Tweeted:
My other cat has suddenly appeared on my lap.  Looking to finish me off I'm guessing?  #abouttobeblind

I couldn't wear my contacts for a few days, but alas, my eye recovered.  I guess my immune system is *that* awesome that a cat STD has no chance.  Actually, probably not.  I'm betting the feline chlamydia just went deeper into my nervous system, where it's waiting until just the right time to strike out with FULL Cat VD fury!!!

And then, as if things couldn't get any worse, today happened.  Here's a recap, via Twitter-ease:

had a dental procedure done the other day & have developed a complication... a PIMPLE under my lip where dentist held my mouth open. asshole

i know a pimple isn't technically a "complication" but i need attention. and something to complain about.

also, the "dental procedure" was a filling for a cavity. big words make it sound more serious. and yes, I AM 9 yrs old getting cavities

I won't give up on you captain crunch! i'll take the cavity pain and resulting pimple complications!

Seriously you guys, this pimple hurts.  AND?  My lip is all sorts of weirdly stretched out now. I'm on a slow and steady health decline and I'm pretty sure that next I'll be laying in a hospital bed, with one red eye, a giant red pimple, and no will to live.  

I can only hope someone like Jerry Lewis will be there to hold a telethon in my honor.

PS, do you see what you're missing on the Twitter?  If you're not on there, or following me, I'd recommend you do so.  NOW.  While you still can.  I don't know how much longer I have.

PPS, also?  go check out handflapper and jillsmo and one pink chick on Twitter and their blogs.  Seriously, they have some good stuff.

PPPS, I promise not to say ya'll anymore.  It's not like I'm the Bloggess and can pull it off.

PPPPS.  My telethon will also accept cash, all major credit cards, Pay Pal, and cheeseburger Doritos for payment.

PPPPPS:  it has been brought to my attention that I colored the wrong eye red in the above rendering.  Do you people SEE how bad the INFECTION HAS SPREAD INSIDE MY BRAIN???!!  I can't even tell left from right anymore.  Wait.  I've always had trouble with those....

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I am a wife, mommy, and all around productive member of society. Usually. I'm pretty much a legend in my own mind.


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