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When the Super Volcano Blows, I Will Become Your Ruler.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm not traditionally an "alarmist," but I am a certified "hypochondriac," "anxious person," and "chronic worrier."
So this "super volcano under Yellowstone that is currently being more active thing," is starting to freak me the hell out.

The ground is rising?  It "took a deep breath?"  It could blow "any day," making all of North America uninhabitable?

Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Not only must I worry about 2012, the economy, gas prices, my waistline, global warming, water pollution, crow's feet, health insurance premiums, baby product recalls, low vitamin D levels, Charlie Sheen, and the impending zombie invasion, now I have to worry about being incinerated by a friggin supervolcano?

And the scientist in the video says the only thing we could do is "run?"
THAT'S your most scientific solution?  Run?
Where should we run to, Mr. Alarmist Scientist?
And why are you laughing throughout your interview about this?
I bet you have some extra home off in Asia somewhere safe, that's why.

I've gotta start making some plans.  Pronto. I only have a day.  Or two.  Or another 100,000 years.  It's all relative though, cuz it's gonna happen.  Soon.

According to the map, I'm not in the imminent danger/you're automatically vaporized so kiss your ass goodbye zone.  I have time.  I'm not showing you on the map where I actually live.  I have enough stalkers.  And by that I mean fans.  But rest assured, I'm further east, outside all that red ash zone crap.
I just survived Blizzaster 2011, so I'm in survival mode.  Here's an outline of my plan.

Buy a U-Haul.  And a gun.  Even though I've never touched a gun before and they scare the beejesus out of me.  But this is America dammit, and if Sarah Palin says I should have a gun, I'm gonna get one.  And shoot me some sort of animal with it.  Not likely.  But a possum?  Kinda likely.  Evil ass animals.

Fill my U-Haul with survival necessities.  You know, stuff like cereal, Snuggies, shoes, head massagers, canned goods, bottled water, coffee, wine, and cigarettes.  Because if I survive this, I'm gonna start smoking. Oh, and ammo and lighters and flashlights.  Oh!  And Spam.  Because Spam will survive anything. 

Kidnap Mike Wolfe and store him in U-Haul.  Hell, while I"m at it I'll find a way to kidnap my girl crush Susanna Hoffs too.  And Betty White.  Because of course.

Wait for Mr. Laughing Alarmist Scientist to scream "We're all gonna die!" on the news and start up the U-Haul.

Get my kids, and probably the Hubby, cuz he's technically handy to have around with the "physical strength and rational thinking" thing he's got going for him.  Neither of which I have.  And he's more likely to shoot said gun, because again, I'm scared of them.

Clear out bank account for cash.   That won't take long to empty.

Drive as far east as possible.  Then ditch U-Haul and well-stocked supplies because dude, the ocean is in between us and Europe and I didn't think to buy a floating or submersible U-Haul.... because they don't make them.  Until I email them this idea, which will work like a charm and Mr. U-Haul CEO will see the error of his vehicular ways and make U-Hauls with floaties all around them.  And sails.

Fly to Rome.  Eat carbs and drink wine.

And by the way, if you survive, you're all welcome to join my new Roman colony, post-super volcano eruption.
We'll set up a commune where we crochet Snuggies, tend livestock, whittle wood, play Wii games, cook pasta, play Skip Bo, and take scheduled daily naps.  Like an old folks'  home, only cooler.  And less old.

Everyone will wear their goldenrod Snuggies, and stay out of the forest.  Where savage beasts live.  Because of course they do.  That's always where the beasts dwell.  So you must stay in my Roman compound forever and ever and listen to everything I have to say.  It's a prophecy.  I'll be your leader.  You'll all call me "Most Royal Semi-Italian Queen and Princess of the Universe." You will follow my rules and trip over each other to spit shine my tiara.  But not with spit, because that's totally gross. Joaquin Phoenix will even be there as a member of the Committee of Elders.  We'll decide who comes and goes, and we'll ensure the safety of anyone who swears a blood oath to pledge their lives to the colony.  Except for Mr. Mad Alarmist Laughing Scientist.  I won't let him in because he in no way helped us escape.  And I don't think I'll let Mel Gibson in cuz he's just insane.  And definitely not Oprah.  People will like her more than me, and that will be a threat to my throne and the last thing I'll need post volcanic eruption is a potential coup.

So there, my plan is ready.  It just needs some volcanic ash to be set in motion.  Not that I'd like that to happen.  But my God it'd be good to be queen.....

Her Most Royal Semi-Italian Queen and Princess of the Universe decrees this forest off limits.  Now get back to your crocheting and Just Dance 2!!

4 Comment:

SherilinR February 3, 2011 at 9:54 PM  

will they be weiner snuggies we'll be crochetting?

Burkulater February 5, 2011 at 2:20 PM  

SHEWww...I'm out of the red zone, but I think I'll still start writing a list of necessary items just in case. Like that ticket to Rome and definitely wine. Maybe I'll start preparing with the wine tonight...you know...just in case. It probably won't hurt so bad if I've got a bottle of wine in me.

Life with Kaishon February 6, 2011 at 9:06 AM  

I don't know what planet I live on because I never even knew this was happening. Thank the Lord I live in Pennsylvania and I am out of the danger zone : ) PHEW!

What a great post. So creative and fun!

jess February 6, 2011 at 6:28 PM  

i can't watch that video. and i need to stop thinking about this happening or i will never. sleep. again.
although? goldenrod is a good color on me, so there's that.

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