The Trials and Tribulations of Skirt Wearing

I wore a skirt to work today. If you know me, you know how monumental and rare of an act this is, and should therefore be marked down on a calendar or carved in stone for all time.
After I was in the skirt for about 15 minutes, I realized why I do not wear skirts.
First, I'll mention briefly how much I love that opaque tights are currently "in" in fashion.  I don't exactly have Carrie Underwood legs to go around strutting.  And who needs to shave?  Hello, I'm married.  And it's winter people. So dark, heavy tights, way to go!  I celebrate you.  However, the putting on of said tights is strategically, scientifically, emotionally, physically, and psychologically exhausting.  The first leg is always the easiest, but then you have the second leg.  And getting that leg in requires a graceful, delicate balancing act that only flamingos can achieve.  (or are they pelicans?  What the heck is that bird that stands on one leg?  And why do they?)

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Telemarketing 101

I just barely survived an 8 minute and 31 second phone call with my university alumni association. 
I'm lucky to be alive, because man, that freshman was persistent in asking for some money!
He started out with the touchy feely how's your life/job/past 10 years been?  Have you been back to campus lately? What was your major?  Why did you choose it?  What's your sign?  What are you wearing? (not really, but it makes the story juicier) The he shared a lot about himself.

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My Inbox

Such a promising, dirty title, such an innocent blog.........
My email inbox is pathetic.  Here are the only people sending me emails anymore:
Spanx
Gymboree
Gap
Barack Obama
Facebook
ToysRus
The Children's Place
Borders Rewards
My Toddler This Week
Most of the emails are for sales and preferred customer discounts and deals.  I clearly shop online too much.  Yes, I've bought from Spanx.  If you're a woman who doesn't own a pair, something is wrong with you.  I'm going to see if I can wear 2 pair at once and be a size 4.  Wishes can come true people.  Hold fast to your dreams.

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Planning the Holiday Photo

I'm really trying to be creative this year when it comes to our annual Christmas photo card we send out for the holidays.  Usually it's a nice family photo of us all either sitting in front of the fireplace or in front of the Christmas tree.  I'm tossing around the idea of just taking one of the Bossy Girl and Wee One only, cuz we all know that the kiddos are the only ones people really want to see anyway.

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Thanksgiving Musings

Have a wonderful, safe Thanksgiving everyone!
I don't have a witty post today, but I offer you this:

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Welcome Back, Flu Virus from Hell

I'm being haunted by H1N1.
I believe it's given me some PTSD.
Let me explain.  Last fall I gave birth to the Wee One.....less thanTWO weeks before hospitals did their smack down on visitors and the country was in a state of emergency, pandemic-style. 
I was paranoid with a capital P.
I sat home checking my inbox for Health Department emails to see when they'd get the next batch of vaccines.  I watched every news story on that stupid virus.  I had panic attacks.  I bought out store shelves of Germ Ex.  I refused visitors in my home.  I Googled H1NI more times than I could count.

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Random Crap Laying Around My House

My house has a big problem.  It can never keep itself clean for more than a day.
There are many reasons why this my reality.
a.  the housecleaner never shows up for work.  Oh, that's right.  Because there is no housekeeper.
b.  I have 2 kids.
c.  I hate cleaning. 
I thought it would be interesting to take a quick survey of the random crap you can always find laying around my house.  10 years ago it would have been beer cans and movie rental cases and Mountain Dew cans and empty pizza boxes.  Maybe a bra.  You know, signs of a good, young person time.

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Apparently, I'm Allergic to "No"

Do you have something to sell?
Are you looking for a volunteer?
Do you need the perfect sucker to do some sort of favor for you?
Take a look folks, I'm your girl.
Case in point.  Boy Scout popcorn.  Just send the cutest little boy with the tiniest, adorable lisp to my house ....  "would you wike to buy some popcown?  It's onwy ten dowars."

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Random Musings for the Day

Here's a rapid-fire list of musings swimming around in my brain today.
It's 2010.  Why are there people still smoking in their cars with their children inside? Brainiacs.
Why do I attempt to keep leftovers when no one eats them anyway?  They just end up moldy in the back of the fridge.....
Poor Thanksgiving.  Christmas steals its thunder every year.

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You Know When You're Driving Along and You Notice....oh look, a puppy!!

So, I'm pretty sure I have adult onset ADD.  I've thought that for a while now, but always in a joking manner.  Then, I went ahead and I looked it up.  I'm totally not even joking about this, so don't get your panties in a bunch and get all offended.
Here's just a small sampling of questions from an online screening for adult ADD that I answered "strongly agree" to. 
Especially in groups, I find it hard to stay focused on what is being said in conversations.

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Monthly Gifts

This is NOT what you may think it's about.  No feminine issues being discussed here today.
Instead, this post is going to be about those gift of the month clubs. It's holiday shopping time for most, so this topic may be very timely for some of you.  For others, read it anyway.  You just might like it.
Gift of the Month Clubs 
I have a friend whom I’ll call Penelope. There’s no reason why I chose that name, I just picked it out of thin air. Penelope is amazing for many reasons. Reason #1: She is fluent in sarcasm. LOVE. #2: She has a super loud, contagious laugh. I’ve waited my whole life to find someone who can laugh as loud, if not louder than I. Reason #3: She loves herself some wine. Therefore she’s my soul mate. There are many, many other reasons why I like her, but I’m too lazy and strapped for time to list them all.

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Female Comedians, I Heart You!

Because I think I'm quite funny (scratch that, I am hilarious in my own mind), I'm in the mood to dedicate a post to some of my favorite female comedians of all time.  They inspire me to be witty, sarcastic, cutting, amusing, rude, non-politically correct, and..... make weird noises and faces in public.
Tina Fey
I love everything she's in, but mostly I love her for her infamous and legendary Sarah Palin act.  LOVE. 

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Professor Clump is my Alter Ego

THIS is a story my brother-in-law will appreciate me telling. Cracks his ass up every time.
For your backdrop to this story, just keep in the back of your mind the scene in the Nutty Professor when the fat Eddie Murphy keeps trying to bust out of the evil,skinny Eddie Murphy.
It all started about 8 months after the oldest daughter BG was born.  She was playing with a Fisher Price musical drum (pictured) and decided to bash me in the mouth with the drum.  Ahh, so sweet! Playing nice with mommy!  Within minutes my entire upper lip swelled up like a balloon. Think Angelina Jolie's and Lisa Rinna's upper lips combined....then tripled.

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Getting to Know You, Getting to Know Me

In an effort to share a bit more about myself with you, dear reader, I’ve listed below the top 10 things most important to know about me in order for us to get along and understand each other. Knowing these will enable you to stay on my good side and therefore off my heavy-duty, super-powered grudge list.
1. I cannot function without coffee anymore. I wake up early. I get ready for work, in a haze. I get the kiddos ready, in a haze. I spout off sarcasm to the hubby, in a haze. I mutter about not having a thing to wear, in a haze. Then, I have my coffee and the skies open, my eyes clear and focus, and the heavenly choir of angels sing. It’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes, I pretend I’m 68 years old and make coffee in the middle of the afternoon. And I love it.

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Wheel of Fortune aka Where People Lie about their Spouses

Please feel free to hop on my musings train today.  All aboard.
Lately, our TV has been set to Wheel of Fortune while we eat dinner. (You should know, our TV is so treasured and respected in our home, that it has a name and will be included in our family Christmas card and photo this year.  If it weren't so heavy and awkward, we'd set it a place at the dinner table and tuck it into bed at night.  In it's own room mind you, cuz the other kids can share a room.  The TV is special enough to have his own space.)

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A Grudge by Any Other Name....

Grudges.  Feelings of ill will or resentment.  Personally, I'm a fan.  I know I shouldn't be, and I know it's probably unhealthy for my body and mind, but I can't help myself.  I hold them.
When I was in 3rd grade a thousand years ago, I moved to a new town.  For some reason, I was back visiting my hometown and was allowed to go to hang out at my old school with my old friends.  Very cool.  Until recess.  It had been raining all morning, and the playground was a soggy mess of sand and mud.  We were allowed to go play outside if and only if we had galoshes with us.  Yes, galoshes.  (notice my restraint by not calling them rubbers.)  Mind  you, this was the mid 1980s.  Galoshes then weren't as fashionable as they are today. 

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