I Don't Understand My Cat. Meow.

There are many things in life I do not understand.
I don't understand physics.
I don't understand how cell phones can send text messages to other phones through mid air.
I don't understand how computers work their magic.
I don't understand how cars run or how to fix them if they stop running.
I don't understand how to calculate a percentage off in a store quickly in my head (unless it's 50% off, then piece of cake.  Therefore, every single thing should be at least half off.  I declare it.)
I don't understand why so many people want Maury to help them find their baby daddy.
There's a heck-of-a lot more, but I need to focus on the point.
I really, really don't understand my cat Colby.

what a handsome boy!

First, he talks all the time.  Literally, ALL THE TIME.  Why does he do that?
He's watered, fed, pet, and comfortable.  Yet, the boy moans, groans, meows, grunts, etc. nonstop. 
And he can be SO loud.  If he finds himself alone in a room, he'll immediately start this horrific, animal-being-slaughtered moan that echoes throughout the house.  Like we've abandoned him and he hasn't seen another living soul in months.  It's truly pathetic sounding.  And annoying.

Also, he pukes a lot.  He'll gorge himself on food.  Then ralph it up.  And then promptly eat some more.  Is he bulemic?  He'll eat any random piece of crap laying around on the floor.  And then vomit.  He's like a dog on a constant search for food scraps.  Even with all that puking, he's overweight, around 16 lbs.  He's a big boy.

If we sloppily leave dirty clothes on the floor in the basement laundry room, he'll sometimes poop on them.  GROSS.

He can never make up his mind.  He wants the door open to go downstairs. (basement door's always shut for Wee One's safety.).  Then, he'll sit on the second step and moan to come back up.  Then, sit by the door and cry to go back down.  It's a vicious, obnoxious cycle.

Is he lonely? 

We used to have another cat, Callie.  She was a calico with the nastiest attitude ever found in a cat.  She was crabby, incredibly overweight, and clearly bipolar with possible multiple personality disorder.  One minute she'd be cuddling and purring in your arms, the next, she'd bitch slap you with her little white paw and bite your ass.  Hard.  Broken skin and blood hard.  And she hated me the most.  She had some weird, obsessive.possessive thing with the Hubby.  He was hers, and I was the competition.  She'd lay on my side of the bed  at night and glare at me like, don't you dare try to come in here bitch.  He's mine.   But we loved her.  I can't even get into what happened to Callie that ended up with us having to put her down at the vet in May of 2009.  It was a horrible day and we miss her still. 

Does Colby still miss her?  Does he miss her stalking him from under the bed, only to pounce and beat his ass to submission?  Some guys like that kind of thing......


Photo 1: Callie patiently waiting to trip me down the stairs.                      
Photo 2: Callie upside down bein lazy.  And plotting my "accidental" death and dismemberment..

We'd get another cat, but what's the guarantee that Colby and the new one will get along?  What if he pukes on the new kitty alot?  Do we need a cat whisperer or therapist?  Would the psychic John Edwards know how to help Colby? 
     John:  I'm getting a male. Possibly a female.  And he or she's showing me an M.  Or is it an N?  Y? L?
     Colby:  stares, moans, then pukes.
     John:  Now they're showing me something round.  Is it a ring?  A wreath?  A Cheerio?
     Colby:  rolls onto back and purrs.
     John:   And I'm getting the feeling of sadness.  Or anger.  Or jealousy?
     Colby:  walks away to eat more food.
     John:  they're telling me that they're fine.  They no longer feel any pain.  Or happiness.  Or loss.  Or joy.
     Colby:  pukes, poops on a towel, then goes to take a nap in the linen closet.

Readers, please help me understand my cat.
And if  you can, possibly the Maury Povich show as well.

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