It's a Crisis People! Take Shelter!

When I think of the word "crisis," I think of something both very serious and very bad, possibly life-threatening even.  Like war, famine, a natural disaster,  that Cuban missile thing, Britney Spears' hair, a zombie attack, pandemic, Starbucks running out of coffee......

But the current "crisis" I just read about in the news today scared me to the core.  I never imagined that it was even a possibility, but you've gotta know what our world is coming to people.

Brace yourselves.

The state of Illinois, more specifically, the Illinois Corrections System (you know, as in prison.  Jail.  The Big House.  The Brig.  The Slammer.), is experiencing a crisis. 
It's a travesty of unimaginable magnitude.  It's a catastrophe of possibly Biblical proporations.
This plight could very well seal our fate as a species.
*are you scared yet?

They are running out of  underwear for the inmates!!! Gasp!  Shriek!  Mooooommmmy!

No need to reread that line.  I'll repeat it again in words used by the reporter.
State prison officials have averted a potential crisis behind bars: A shortage of undies for inmates.

Supposedly there is a worldwide cotton shortage, just as there is a worldwide intelligence shortage, and a worldwide important and relevent news shortage.

So Illinois doesn't want their inmates running around freeballing it.  Or, for the lady prisoners, letting their woo hoos air out.  I can't imagine the chaos that may or may not cause. Or, the mood lifting and morale boost it may give to the prisoners.  And no one wants them happy, now do they?  No sir.
They are having to contract with another company who's jacked the price the lovely Illinois taxpayers will have to pay for a bunch of criminals' Fruit of the Looms.
From the "news" story:
Facing the prospect of having inmates with no skivvies, state officials this week hired another company to supply the cloth. The new contract is worth $183,800, which is an estimated $50,000 more than what the state had planned to spend, according to documents.
They can't be buying them Fruit of the Looms or Hanes at that price!  That's gotta be some Calvin Kleins and Vickies Secrets happening there.  That has to get the taxpayers panties in a bunch.  (hee, hee!)

I know how important underwear can be.  I was raised with the belief that clean underwear would magically protect you from death if you were ever in a car accident, therefore, you always needed a clean pair when you left the house.  Sometimes, the right kind of underwear can remind you what day of the week it is.  You always, always pack extra underwear, even in your carry on bag cuz the luggage your undergarments are in will disappear or end up on another flight. Underwear can be the determining factor between being asked out on another date or not.

Underwear matters, friends.  But does it matter enough to alert the media?

Read it all here: (the link title is not the actual article title, but would've been had I been the reporter)
 "I will NOT be put into a cell with Billy John until you get me some undies under this orange jumpsuit!"
Prison can be a scary enough place people.  Let's not take away a layer of protection from our inmates.

2 Comment:

coffeechug December 9, 2010 at 5:10 PM  

Or maybe the title of the article should read, "New problems developing with Tightie Whities, not gang related, but an increase in crack issues among inmates."

SarcasmInAction December 9, 2010 at 5:50 PM  

Oh! Good one! Last thing we need is more crack in prison :)

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