How Not To Bake

I"m trying my hardest to bake tres leches cupcakes but I keep sticking my finger in the can of ever-lovin sweetened condensed milk and licking it.  And when I'm not sticking my finger in the nectar of the gods, I'm sticking a spoon in it to scoop more up. And when I'm not spooning the glorious sweetness into my mouth, I'm dipping my tongue straight into the can. like a dog lapping up water.  I'm shameless and pathetic and self-inducing diabetes into my body AND not finishing my cupcakes but for the love of Jesus that sweetened condensed milk is SO damn good!

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The Hubby Called Me Something Very Mean Yesterday and Forgiveness Can Only Be Earned Through Diamonds

He called me...... bossy.
No need to reread.  I'll repeat.  BOSSY.
Iiiii... know.  Couldn't even believe it myself.
If you look up bossy it says domineering, abrasive, overbearing, likes to command others.
So. Not. Me.
All I have to say is I'm not technically bossy, so much as I like to offer advice on the best way to do something and then watch as you practice doing that for me.  My way.  The right way.  Because of course it is.

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The Good Wife. Kind of.

On Saturday as I stood in the check out line at Target, looking through the magazines, I spotted the new Sports Illustrated Swim Suit magazine.  On a total whim, I picked up a copy for the Hubby.  I also grabbed a US Weekly cuz where else would I get my "news?"  And if the swim suit mag was the only one I got then I'd have to defend my sexuality to the cashier. Logically.  Because she'd give a shit what I buy.

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I Was So Desperate for a Post Topic I Went to a Random Blog Post Topic Generator and Still I Ended Up With Diddley Squat

Don't even ask what possessed me to try out a blog post topic generator to get some ideas for what to write about.  My life has been that boring lately.  Seriously.  I went to bed at 8:30 last night.  I read a book for an hour, then crashed. And slept all night.  True story. Isn't it sordid and delicious and dirty?
So, in my all-consuming and passionate effort to entertain my readers, I needed to come up with a post, stat.  You people need me, I'm aware of that.  It's a huge responsibility that I do not take lightly. I'm like your dealer. I need to feed your sarcasm addictions.

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When a Bad Mood Strikes I Hit Back with Some Mean Shopping Damage

I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Any side of any bed that doesn't contain David Beckham is probably the wrong side. Actually, I'm thinking that just the fact I had to get up is what sucked donkey ass.  I bitched and moaned my way to the bathroom and then had the brilliant idea full of wisdom and hope to check the weather in hopes there's some blizzard on my doorstep and I must stay home today.  It's like 45 degrees, so no blizzard.  Suck it weather. That's what I get for a little bit of hope at 5:30 in the morning.

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For Your Valentine's Pleasure: Fun Games We Married People Play

Yesterday I was signing some checks that needed to be taken to the bank and deposited.  Since they all were addressed to both the Hubby and I, I asked him to sign them as well just to be safe.
After he scribbled his signature, he took them all back and wrote under his name on each "for deposit only."
Jokingly, I said to him, "like that's gonna be enough money for the kids and I to run away from you with.  I'd go ahead and clean out every account while I'm there too."

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Something Strange Happened on My Way to Bed

The best way to describe my night last night would be to call it Inception, but without Leonardo or a multimillion dollar budget.  But I'm pretty sure the special effects were dead on.
I blew out my bum knee yesterday and it hurts like a bitch.  I could tell you some awesomely cool story about how I kicked a potential mugger in the nuggets or hurt it running a marathon to cure cancer, however, those are only slightly accurate.

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Sleepwalker

Apparently, I've decided to take up a hobby in sleepwalking.
This past weekend, the Hubby informed me that in the early morning hours, 4:31 to be exact, cuz he tends to be exact, I was standing up in our bedroom, rubbing the wall.  Yes, you read it correctly, rubbing the wall. I guess I freaked him out because, well, I was standing up, asleep, wall rubbing, but also I was unresponsive and talking about my alarm not going off.  I think he thought I might have started going all Paranormal Activity on him, which of course, wouldn't turn out so good for him in the end.....

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I Practically Have a Medical Degree Just By Virtue of the Vastness of My Medical Knowledge.

Tales of a Saturday night.  In my house.  Where we are losers and don't go out on Saturday nights anymore.
Be ready to be envious.
TV commercial for some drug for "gout."
Me:  God, I hope I don't get gout.
Hubby.  Yea, that'd suck.  I like being able to walk fine.
Me:  Totally.  Wait....  How is your neck connected to walking?

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When the Super Volcano Blows, I Will Become Your Ruler.

Are you freaking kidding me?
I'm not traditionally an "alarmist," but I am a certified "hypochondriac," "anxious person," and "chronic worrier."
So this "super volcano under Yellowstone that is currently being more active thing," is starting to freak me the hell out.
The ground is rising?  It "took a deep breath?"  It could blow "any day," making all of North America uninhabitable?

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I'm Totally Posting about the Blizzard, Just Like Everyone Else. So Tough.

Snowpocalypse update. 
I'm reporting to you live from the aftermath of the 2011 Snowpocalypse.  I'm pretty sure we should be thankful for all this snow.  Cuz it's likely prevented the real apocalypse we have to look forward to.  The zombies.  Probably.  Too cold for them to start wreaking their havoc yet.  Plus, they'd freeze out there and become ice mummies.  And who's ever heard of a mummy apocalypse?  That'd be awkward for the mummies, cuz they can't move.  Or bite.  Or eat.  So they'd lose that war pretty damn fast.

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Who Doesn't *Love* a Math Lesson from a Toothless Man at a Gas Pump?

Picture it.
6:45 am.  Dark.  Cold.  Windy.
Snowpocalypse is on its way today.
My pantry and fridge are filled, but alas, my gas tank is not.
So I hit the BP, which I don't like cuz of the whole oil in the Gulf and dead animals issue, but I need some gas and it's close.  Call me addicted to convenience and lenient in my convictions.

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