Half Assed Weekend Post of Randomness, Now With Dry Weave and Flexi-Wings

Some other bloggers I follow do a half-assed weekend post. I figured I'd get on the bandwagon and follow along.
That's me.  A total follower.
Happy Weekend.  I hit the grocery store early this morning, by myself, which was quiet and heavenly and wonderful.  Weather has it that we're looking at some serious snow storm stuff in a couple of days.  Plus, I've got cupcakes to bake.  I'm making cold oven pound cake cupcakes with homemade strawberry whipped cream.  Recipes here at the Cupcake Project blog.

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I'd Like to Thank the Academy, but Technically Since They've Never Given Me Anything and I've Never Done Anything Worthwhile, Then I Guess Thanking Them Would Be Asinine.

Ohmygod this is ALMOST as Awesome as Giving Birth!!  A Total Close Second.I've been given my first award!!!!!!  Breathe... blink.... breathe.... focus....
I'm beyond excited and can't wrap my brain around why on earth some fabulous blogger out there would bestow any sort of award on me.  Unless it's the "this blog sucks" award.  Or the "she thinks she's funny but my God she's the opposite of funny" award.  Or better yet, the "Christ, they let just about anyone have a blog these days, don't they?  Even the crappy writers like this chick" award.

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Why do I Suck at Crocheting?

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to learn to crochet.
And unlike many of my resolutions that more dissolve in my mind than turn to resolve, this one I've followed through on.
I contacted my local Stitch n Bitch group, (national group's website) but didn't like the *tone* I got in the email reply, so I looked at pictures of them on their blog and saw that they were a fair mix of old women, young moms, one questionable dude, and a few who clearly like the Oreos a bit too much.  Normally, these are my kind of people, and bonus that the word bitch is in their group name, but I decided that I'm really not a "people person" and to join an already established group of knitters and crocheters would be awkward because I'd be all, ohmygod did you see how the Bloggess got a panda suit and posed like Eminem? And they'd be all, what are you talking about? And I'd be all, teach me to crochet a Snuggie. I love Snuggies, don't you? Can I wear mine to the meetings? And bring wine?  Oh! Oh! Teach me to crochet a wine coozie! And then they'd give me a blank stare and when I'd shout out a cuss word here and there (not just any cuss word but the mother of all cuss words) and snort when I laugh and do my OH OHHH! noise and make poop jokes they'd look at me with that look most random strangers give me that says what the fuck is wrong with that woman? Then I'd make naughty, anatomically correct crochet puppets and jokes about how when I crochet with my hook I call myself a hooker and then they'd ask me to leave. And as I'd walk out I'd call them all a bunch of hookers, even the one male there, and flip them the bird with my hook.  But not before I filled my purse with their free snacks. 

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Forget Linda Blair. I'm Dealing with a Haunted Puzzle Here People.

Behold.
It may look like a cute little kiddo puzzle.
I may seem adorable and harmless at first glance.
BUT
This puzzle is a tool of the supernatural.
It's a gateway to the other side.
It's a portal to the nonliving.
A mode of communication for spirits who dwell within my house......

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My Secret Girl Crush

I've never told this to anyone, including the Hubby.
So I guess this makes all of my readers, plus random Internet surfers who stumble upon this blog, privy to some pretty important stuff. Top secret, national security type stuff.
Ok.  Here goes. Deep breath......  I have a secret girl crush on Susanna Hoffs.
And just like that, it's no longer a secret.

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And the Winner Is........

The randomly drawn out of a bowl because I couldn't find a hat winner of my bribe to get followers and comments is Midwestern Mama!

God I hope she actually reads this.
I'll just send her a message.
Anyway, Mama gets her choice of one of the following prizes of holy awesomeness:

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Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride. But I Suppose Already Being Married *Would* Put a Damper on Any Future Engagements or Weddings I May Have. Dammit.

 *my title was false.  I should mention that if I were Kody Brown on TLC's Sister Wives, then already being married would so not put a damper on future marriages.  Seriously WTF is up with him and those women? 
 Back on topic now!
My older sister is getting married.    
Hallelujah.
I'd like to personally (cuz a blog post is SO personal) thank the guy marrying her.  He's one step closer to sainthood.

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Yep. It's THAT Topic.

My post today may not be as awesome as they typically are, because I'm in a zone.  A mental preparation zone for what I have to do tomorrow afternoon.  I need to be fully mentally prepared.
Is it a marathon, you may wonder?  Will she be reciting literature in front of an audience?  Is she performing brain surgery?
All valid guesses, but none are correct.

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I Find Myself in Love with an Inanimate Object. Yet Again.

It may come as a total surprise to some of you who've been reading this blog and thinking to yourself, wow, she's gotta be the most normal person I think I know, but I have one or two interesting "quirks." One of which is a list of nonhuman objects that I heart.  With a passion.  As much passion as one can force onto a nonliving, sometimes plastic, sometimes fabric, sometimes battery-operated piece of machinery or tool.

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I'm a Comment and Follower Whore

In an effort to prove that I will pretty much do anything, and I mean anything legal and moral and fully clothed, to get more followers and comments, I'm setting up a give away.  That's right.  A freebie.  For the people.
All you need to do is one, or both cuz I love overachievers,
of the following:
A.  Comment on this post and one other post of mine in the archives.  That you've actually read.  There may be a quiz.  And not true/false or multiple choice quiz either.  So read it.  And comment in a quality manner, don't type, "look, a comment."  Or, "here's my comment."  Or, "enter me in the drawing."  Or, "I'm in!" Write something witty please.  Make me laugh.  How bossy am I today?  Geez.  Look at all the hoops I'm making you jump through....

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The Carb Cravings are Dwindling & I'm Feeling Way Less Stabby, but I'm More than a Tad Tired of Seeing Lettuce, Which Likely Led to My Torrid Affair with Salmon

The title pretty much says it all.
I can't be too bitchy nasty towards a diet that has allowed me to drop some pounds so efficiently and quickly.  I'm all about the instant gratification people.  And don't lecture me about how this isn't a "natural" or "healthy" way to lose weight and once you stop the diet you'll gain it all back blah, blah, yadda, yadda.

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HELP!!! I'M SUFFERING THROUGH WITHDRAWLS HERE!!!!

I CAN'T STAND THE CRAVINGS!!!!!
I need help!  Make it stop. I'm about to lose my ever-lovin mind.
I decided to give up carbs and try an Atkins-style diet. I'm calling it the caveman diet. The caveman connotation has more *flavor* than "atkins." What is supposed to happen then will be my body will stop the insulin/blood sugar yo-yo effect and learn to burn fat for energy.  And I've got plenty of that stored up.  I could hibernate all winter if need be. If OPEC would tap into my reserves (particularly my ass) and turn body fat into energy, gas supply would surge and prices would drop.  (OH MY GOD.  Did I really just type that OPEC should "tap" my ass?  Good.  Grief.  Who lets me write this thing anyway?)

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Random Musings for the Day Volume II

I have a whole bunch of things on my mind currently, and no real rhyme or reason or theme to any of them, so I figured it was time to resurrect a random musings post like my first one.
By the way, I went through my archived posts to find my first random musings, and got all sorts of confused when it was under the 2010 catagory and I was all, but I wasn't a blogger last year, why is it under 2010?  Then I realized it's currently a new year. (totally confusing, right?  I KNOW!  I have no idea what I just said. Obviously.)  I've never claimed to be *smart* or *quick-witted*, people.

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In the Mood to Do Something Kind and Generous and Meaningful?

Nella's ONEder Fund
Donate today!
Join Kelle Hampton's beautiful blog, especially if you're in need of inspiration and some soul-stirring and hope.
I'm all about the hope.
It's Wee One's middle name.
Check out this amazing blog!

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A Calorie and Family Filled Stroll Down Memory Lane

For the past few days I've been out of town visiting the parents for a late Christmas.  I'm sure you've enjoyed your break from my musings. You were all, whew, she's not posting every day.  Glad to get a break from her. She was slightly annoying. And now you're all, damn it all, she's back.  And I'm all thinking, oh my poor readers!  They've missed me so!  Better get blogging!  For the people, not me.  This narcissistic blogging behavior totally doesn't apply to me.  I blog for mankind.  And the orphans.

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Bedtime Stories With Ms. Sarcasm

When Bossy Girl was little, she loved having books read to her.  Which was awesome because I'm a book lover, and having a home full of books and reading is important to me.  (Wee One, btw, hates books.  She insists on using them as punching bags or a kicking board.) 
Anyway, one of my favorite books to read to her was Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch.  I loved reading that book not because she necessarily loved it, but I did, therefore I forced it on her.

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